Monday, November 8, 2010

Day 22 - Blog

Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.

There can't be only one. That's just not fair.

The "L" part of the adoption/loss/infertility online community is one I tried to avoid before sliding into that category myself. There were blogs I would stumble upon, read, cry, and then say to myself, "I have to look away. That won't be me. That can't be me."

Pre and even during pregnancy I was hellbent on puppy dogs and rainbows and "thinking only positive thoughts" and I couldn't let the possibility of loss even enter my thoughts for more than a few moments.

But guess what, kids? Completely isolating yourself from anything remotely negative or painful and thinking only good thoughts while putting flowers in your hair and blowing kisses at the world - That doesn't always work. **

And for the longest time I blamed myself for our loss. I wasn't positive enough. I didn't want it bad enough. There was something I did (or didn't do) to make this happen. And you know you're being irrational and yet there is nothing anyone can say to make you not feel those thoughts.

And those thoughts are sucky enough. Believe me. It sucks even more to have them reaffirmed in allegedly feminist writing. In fact, that still makes me seethe. So much so, I won't reference the tome.

But once I found myself a part of the "L" I started scratching and clawing and hunting for all of the other loss blogs I could find. I forged bonds with those whose losses were still recent, like mine. I found strength from those who were a little further along the grief road. I realized I wasn't alone in my thoughts or my self-blame or any of the other crazed things that come out of your head when you are trying to comprehend an absolutely incomprehensible event.

And I will be forever grateful to those bloggers who reached out in my early days and said to me, kindly, softly, knowingly, "You will keep living. I promise. I did."

So this is a shout out to the entire ALI community. All three letters of it. I wouldn't feel right pointing to one blog over another. Because I would inevitably forget one. And, like life, I gravitate towards some on some days, others at other times. I am just so thankful there is a realm that exists where I can float among similar beings, each one unique, but connected.


** this, in no means is a diss on thinking positive. You know I loves me some Perfect Moment Mondays, and let's be honest, being bitter and negative 24/7 is totally draining. And gives you wrinkles. Positive thinking - it can do some amazing things. But there are times when the body is a tad more forceful in the mind/body connection. And that does not equate to a shortcoming in your mind, or your control over it. There are just some things you cannot control.

3 comments:

Lavender Luz said...

:-)

And also,

XOXO

luna said...

love the explanation in the **
yes, exactly.

theluckylife said...

I also love the **. This is the God's honest truth! Positive = fab. But bad shit can happen to anyone. anyone. And we never, ever want to believe it will be us.

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