Sunday, December 5, 2010

Right Now In This Moment

Two years ago they were here. Today, they are not.

I've written several blog posts for today in my head. Some while walking quietly, others in the dead of night when rage and helplessness overcame me and kept me from sleeping. None really fit where I am right now. Right now as in "right now this moment." Because I've learned that's all you can really count on.

Right now this moment, I am missing I. and J. but that is really no different than any other day. I can't find a way to memorialize this day in a way that is significant to us, because their births and deaths are on constant rotation in my brain. That is a film that never stops. I am trying to train my brain not to get upset when my parents don't remember. Like our new acupuncturist says, "you cannot demand apples from an orange tree." But I can be humbled by the emails, texts and notes we continue to get from friends who do. Thank you. For everything.

We have nothing specific planned for today. Other than being together in quiet remembrance. Like we are just about every other day. I may take a solo run to the trees. I will decorate the live Xmas tree we picked out last night. M. actually just left the apartment to go to a four-hour training for his new volunteer gig. At the ER. He's scared sh*tless. I am amazingly proud. There's more to this than this. But that's a post for another day.

Right now in this moment, I am not sure where we are in our quest to make a family. As you know, plans for a gestational carrier fell through (twice) for reasons well beyond the control of us or the two women who graciously offered. There may be a possibility for the future. But it is just that. A possibility. In the future. No time soon.

But that's ok.

Right now in this moment, I am feeling ok with my life. I think M. is feeling better about his. I was able to lose sleep this week for reasons other than replaying the 72 hours in the hospital in my head. Although, of course, when stress and anxiety hit you from other angles, those images seem to seep in seamlessly to keep it going.

Since our last canceled cycle, the one that we canceled in October, it feels like we've regained just a little bit of control over our own lives. We've each lost about a dozen pounds. I've ran in two 5K's - including one on Thanksgiving day in the sleet (what?!?!). Friday, I sat for a four-hour exam that may give me a little more cred in my profession and some capital letters after my name. This week, I was asked to join two Boards of Directors - one for a professional society that I belong to, another for a political cause that I am passionate about. One invitation I was kind of hoping for, the other came as a complete surprise. M just finished an online refresher course and is putting things in place for some applications of his own.

So what am I trying to say? Right now in this moment, this one right here, I am feeling like we are finally at a point where the Sad is not all-consuming. Where the memory of Isa and Jovi doesn't feel like a hairshirt. Where our inability to conceive now on our own doesn't feel like the end of the world. There is more to the world than this. We are human beings. We have suffered tremendous loss. But what now. What now? It's up to us to ensure that our loss is not the end of the story.

Right now in this moment, I am feeling hopeful, and that hope doesn't center around whether or not there will be a child in our near future. Maybe it will. But maybe it won't. I am a little melancholy. Pretty wistful. I'm only human, right? I wish my daughters were here. But I am I am feeling love, and feeling loved. And I am hoping that gets us through the day.

28 comments:

TracyOC said...

Remembering I and J along with you...

Congratulations on all of your big doings and much luck and strength for everything coming down the pike.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I think you have captured in words everything that I sensed and saw yesterday -- a woman who is a little wistful, who is still mourning, and is strong and beautiful and forward-looking and hopeful and curious. Remembering Isa and Jovi with you today. Hope you get that run in, that M comes home feeling settled with the training and points beyond. And that you have the loveliest Christmas tree this season.

N said...

<3 <3 <3

Catherine W said...

Thinking of you and your dear little girls.

Congratulations on the running, the exam and the board invites. I'm hoping with you and wishing you many, many good things in the year ahead xo

tireegal68 said...

Sending love to you and your little girls on this day and all others. Your loss is profound and your gains are too. Saying a prayer for lovely I and J and you and DH.

theluckylife said...

I didn't email, but I did think of you. I wish you so much love and healing, and I'm glad for the good things that are happening.

Hope's Mama said...

Remembering I & J, today and always.
Much love to you.
xo

A. said...

Thinking of you, your DH, and your two little ones today. Congratulations on your recent accomplishments and lots of good vibes and strength for the adventures that lie ahead!

jill said...

Thinking of your daughters with you. Still so sorry for your loss but happy to hear you have good things going on. Congrats on your 5ks! In the sleet is kicking some major ass!

Silver said...

Can't tell you how impressed I am at your ability to be positive - your deserve good things!

Sue said...

I am thinking of I and J too and sending you a hug.

Jenni said...

remembering your girls today. i too feel okay with my life in this moment. it is almost 2 years for us. we haven't been able to conceive on our own, and in a few months we may do IVF. we're taking a "break" right now, and there is some benefit to that. i feel stronger, healthier. other areas of my life are active and satisfying. i don't know what this means about our future, and it is a strange place to be - sort of in an okay moment. but i am glad you are having some of that today. xo

still life angie said...

This morning, I read this post on my blackberry and was unable to comment, but I keep returning to it all day in my head. So beautiful, so so beautiful and true. At almost two years, I don't know, I just get this post so much. There is an acceptance that doesn't take away from the tragedy, but like you said, isn't all-consuming. To be honest, last year, I couldn't envision a place and time where my rage and grief wasn't all-consuming.

All that being said, today, I just wanted to say that when I think of Iso and Jovi, I have this vision of you by candlelight telling their birth story. And you said that at birth they were like...and I waited, not sure of what the next word would be...little goddesses, and that image of your baby girls as little goddesses, I think, is perhaps the most striking and amazing mental image I have ever had. I could suddenly see them, perfectly formed in my mind. Beautiful. Perfect. So missed and loved.

I miss and love you, my dear, lovely friend. Hoping you had a gentle day today and your tree trimming was good.

Lavender Luz said...

I am jealous that you and Lollipop (and others) got to see each other.

I'm remembering your daughters in this moment. I enjoy finding out all that you and M have going on.

XOXO, m.

luna said...

thinking of you and your family today, remembering your daughters with you.

this? I love this: "But what now. What now? It's up to us to ensure that our loss is not the end of the story." so beautiful, so simple, so true.

and while of course you miss your girls, it sounds like you are enjoying the fruit of some wonderful things in your lives right now. there is some peace in that, which is good to hear.

Barbara said...

Remembering I and J with you today and always.

I hope your future story is filled with hopes realised.

xxx

justine said...

Remembering and sending my thoughts to you today ... and looking ahead with you, wishing you a new year full of better things.

Delenn said...

Abiding with you on this day. Thinking of you on the other days.

dana said...

Thinking of ya'll and remembering with you.

So very, very proud of everything you're both accomplishing; both together, and separately. I hope for nothing less than a positively shining 2011 for the two of you, filled with love, laughter, and peace.

xoxo

jeanna said...

Popping over from LFCA to say I am so sorry, I am approaching our 1 year mark from the loss of our twin boys at 19 weeks. We will never forget these babies as they were part of us all. Good for you and your husband for taking care of yourselves, I hope you have a wonderful holiday season!

Smiling said...

Hugs from Italy... remembering with you. They have now been remembered by me from the opposite ends of the earth.

----

and awesome news on the invitations to the boards!!!

stacyb said...

Right now, in this moment and the moments to come, I am very VERY hopeful for you both.

stacyb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Egg Banks Mom said...

I have friends who are going through similar situations. They so desperately want a family, but they are having trouble. I hope and pray for them that they get their wish. But in the meantime, remember your family is who you are and the ones you have around you. They are there to support and comfort you along the way.

Sue said...

I'm sorry that I missed this post, m. You and your babes will be on my mind today.

As far as your thoughts? All I can say is Yes. Yes yes yes.

You and I are in a similar place. Sometimes it's okay. Other times I wonder, is this what life will be like?

And the tears surprise me, too.

(p.s. Thank you for your comment on my post. It meant a lot.)

(my word verification is qualiv. weird)

Kami said...

I am sorry I haven't been by in so long and that I missed the anniversary of the birth of your girls. I hope you are doing well - as well as possible.

Damn, I hate that you are still waiting for that someday baby. Our stories are different, but the 4 years between the birth of the child that died and the one that lived were the worst years of my life.

Your blog is still a feast of emotion and thought and here I am only able to take a few nibbles. May you find peace and joy and a fruitful 2011

If I may point out something that made me laugh a couple of posts back . . ."you know, I think I'm going to be OK this holiday season. I think I may even be looking forward to it."

It made me laugh because it is so true - I said that to myself so many times. Funny how we can feel so sad like we will never feel joy again and then other times feel like things are permanently on the upswing. Silly us.

CoffeeBlue said...

Thinking of you and your daughters. And of your loss and your triumphs. Wishing you peace and strength.

loribeth said...

Sorry to be late, but I have been thinking of you & the girls.

"It's up to us to ensure that our loss is not the end of the story." Another bereaved mom I know once said that she felt she owed it to her lost babies to survive this, to not let it destroy her -- that their legacy could not just be grief & sadness. I'm glad that you are doing OK!

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