Friday, February 25, 2011

Space and Renewal

Just when I think I am done with the whole blog thing - reading them, writing them, obsessing on unwritten posts....I come across several in a short span of time that just really, really resonate with me. Talk to me. Remind me that yes, Mel, I DO need this space.

Mel's recent post on building a successful blog popped up in my reader on one of those days where I was grumpy with the world - angry with myself for not posting, for getting sulky rather than happy upon reading about another BFP, feeling like I had so much to say but NOTHING to say about infertility, trying to conceive, living with the empty space where my children should be, alternate family building options...I'm shaking my head to clear the stuff out as quickly as I bring it up. This is not where I am right now. All of these things - they are a part of me. They MAKE me. But recently we, M and I both, have been setting our sights on some things that will life-changing, will require almost complete focus and that focus shifts our eyes away from baby-making and into a future of a different kind.

M starts classes next week. I have an interview for a position that will "change life as you know it" according to someone who held that very spot for 3 years - long hours, days away from home, phone constantly on, pressure constantly on - yeah, that kind of gig.

And it is scary and really exciting and a little bit sad because it does require an admission that this other life, the one where little beings live with and depend on us, is probably not going to happen for us. At least not in the foreseeable future.

And here is where you should pause and click over to one of Mrs. Spit's recent posts about That Feeling. Because she defines it perfectly.

So what I am saying so not-so-eloquently here is that I NEED this space, but not for the same reasons I once did. Let's just say I do get this new gig, parts of my life will become very VERY public. This will be the one and only space only where I am semi-anonymous. But do I have an obligation to touch on the topics I include in my bio for the readers that find my blog and come to talk about those things? Is there a way to go beyond the singular focus of this blog without losing the plot completely? I think so. I hope so.

I was emailing with the ever-awesome Lori about this this week and she termed my angst a "blogdentity crisis" and assured me that even the best of us go through it. I know. I know! And I know every blog cannot be everything to every person. And I think that is more than ok. I know I have gravitated to very unique and different sets of blogs at various stages of my (gasp) four years sharing my thoughts online.

And right now, I find myself clinging to some old favorites. Some women who are in very different places in their lives - some mothers, some still grieving, some still trying, some successfully, others not. Some who are some or all of the above. It is the writing, the insight, the thoughtfulness, the openness that keeps me there.

I hope at least some of you can bear with me. Stick with me. As I move forward and try to redefine what life is and what this space is for me.


still life angie said...

I'm here for the long haul, woman. I can't quit you. Not that I ever tried, or would try, but I love your insights be it about loss, life, family or even America's Next Top Model. Good luck on the job. I know you will rock it, and love it. I just have a gut feeling that all this standing on the precipice stuff is good. With love, as always, my dear friend. xo

Nadine said...

I'm still here, and guilty of being a blog killer myself, I have been through 7 blogs maybe, ugh. And I'm so uninspiring on my new blog that I can barely write anything.
Good luck with the job hun!

Anonymous said...

I find your blog interesting. I think because I find you and your perspective interesting, not because of any one topic you write about.
Best of luck with everything!

m said...

Thanks ladies. For real.

Angie, yes. It DOES feel good in a OMG am I really contemplating jumping kind of way. I have some serious soul searching and research to do before my interview on Tuesday. But it would def be an experience I have never ever had.

And holy heck sneaky Dean - I didn't even know about this latest blog. (ps - I think you're a hottie mommie no matter which pic)

Sue said...

Space. Physical. Cyber. Emotional.

Thank you for writing this.

m said...

Sue, thank YOU for hanging in there.

I have to believe it gets better. I hope you still carry a little of that hope with you too.

Calliope said...

would you like some mascara on your blog? I happen to know a blogger or two that LURVE YOU that would be honored to fluff things up around here - if you wanted it. Sometimes having a fresh place to write makes the writing happen. (um - why do you think I change my look around so much...and I'm working on another.)

Two Shorten the Road said...

A blogdentity crisis - yes, that's it exactly. :)

Good luck with your interview - I know you're going to kick @ss.

Danielle said...

So intrigued by this new path. I am eagerly awaiting updates- on this, on M's program, on whatever is on your mind. I always love to hear your voice, no matter what it's saying.

Sue said...

I hope the new path is a good one for you. You can do this!

Lori Lavender Luz said...

I read you for your essence, for who you are and how you see the world, not for whatever experience you're having at any point in time

So I'll be here with you through the shift.


dana said...

What Lavender Luz said.

I think it's natural to shift. IDK...your life changes, your goals change, you change...cycles.

I very rarely talk about anything anymore, much less IF related stuff. It takes a toll on the soul, and my soul is in need of breath.

Best of luck Tuesday! You'll do fab and totally rock that interview!


loribeth said...

I'm late (way behind on blog reading & commenting) but I'm still here. : ) Good luck with the interview!