Tuesday, February 26, 2013

T Minus 26 Days

That's what my secret counter says. 26 days. 12 hours. 29 minutes.....

It feels like we've waited a lifetime. Now we wait just 26 more days. M and I walk around in a bit of a stupor. Stunned disbelief. Despite tripping boxes of gear and wading through clothes to be washed, its still hard to believe. We, you mean us? you mean me and him?? will soon have a son that will fill these items, and our time and our hearts and our lives.

Meanwhile, life goes on demanding things of us when all I really want to do is watch the wonderment that are my breasts and stare vacantly at the nursery and make lists of things still to do, as opposed to actually doing them. Dammit work, stop asking me to like, do shit.

I suppose I can't complain. At least not loudly. Particularly since my co-workers threw me a lovely shower luncheon last week. So lovely, that I'm sorry for anything sucky I may have said about any of them on skype in recent weeks. Uh, sorry.

The best part of the shower, besides sharing a great homemade meal together, besides the bevvy of gifts (car seat! yes!), besides the cupcakes - yes, more cupcakes - was realizing the shift in the conversation. The substantial shift.

Five of the eight of us have been through all of this together. They were there when tests confirmed what I already knew, when we went through cycle after cycle, when I announced I was pregnant with the twins, when I crumbled into grief and stayed there for well over a year. They saw all of that. And stuck with me. And then had to walk on eggshells for the next few years, gingerly avoiding too much talk of kids or grandkids or pregnant colleagues, lest m. get that look in her eye, or even better, lash out, storm away, all that good stuff that happens when you feel people aren't recognizing your loss, your feelings, your needs.

I'm not saying those feelings aren't valid. I am saying that it had to be hard being with a co-worker that was on the defensive 24/7, ready, waiting and perched for the next opportunity to remind someone of how insensitive they were being.

But last Friday, I found myself sharing, laughing, engaging with people who wanted to share their parenting stories with me, and for the first time, I wanted to listen.

Tell me. I will listen.

I didn't even cry, until a woman (who is technically retired but we all adore so much we keep finding ways to give her projects and keep her in our fold) was getting ready to leave and hugged me as hard as her little body could, looked me in the eye and said, "I am so, so happy for you and M." And in that gaze we both relived all that we had lived together and where we are now.

We are 26 days away from being parents.

One thing I will say about surrogacy, this whole baby thing kind of sneaks up on you. You don't have the physical reminder, literally, in front of you. You just have this date circled on your calendar and in your mind of when your life will change. It's easy to fool yourself into thinking this is all just a story you're telling. An anecdote that is incredibly interesting to people. Because it is incredibly interesting.

The day after my shower, we attended the baby shower of some amazing people who are expecting twins shortly after BBB's birth date. It was a fabulous party with lots of their friends and family and friends of family. Basically, a shitload of people. And beer. A lot of beer. I can't tell you how many people I have never met before approached me, congratulated me, and then wanted to know more, as much as I would tell them, about our surrogacy. How does this work? How did you find the person who is having your baby? How will you get the baby? Logistics, ethics, expenses - nothing was off the table. For me or for M. It was, quite frankly, freeing and awesome.

M actually came up to me and said, "This is so cool, no one every asks me. And I get to talk about it! This is a really good party!"

See also: beer. A lot of beer.

It was a fantastic party, and it was wonderful to celebrate with a smart, funny couple who are our age, who haven't had an easy time of this whole pregnancy thing either. Now we are partners in this madness. All of us, we're gonna rock this.


In other news, the running streak soldiers on. The pumping continues. And is working! We've got a few tiny bottles of breast milk in the freezer now. I smell of fenugreek. Oatmeal makes me fart. Which then smells like fenugreek. It's awesome, I tell you. At a time when my boobs are voluptuous and I actually have a semblance of a waist, I am actually feeling the most un-sexy I have in decades. Oh look, I farted just writing that.

Whatever. BBB is gonna love these boobs. Doing it for you, little man. Doing it for you.


Lollipop Goldstein said...

So happy that the milk continues to flow.

That is absolute craziness. That some time between now and 26 days from now, give or take, you are going to be holding your child. And then 26 days plus a few months, I am going to be introducing said child to singing cows on an endless loop of milk chocolate. :-)

Lori Lavender Luz said...

I can't decide which is greater: my happiness for the 26-days part of your post, or my laughter at the last paragraph!

Sarah said...

Glad you're getting some practice in for talking interminably about farts, boy mama.

ezra'smommy said...

Love and hugs sweet mama. Happy for you and M!

Stacie said...

This was such a beautiful post to read! 26 days. I am so excited for you!

Danielle said...

Yay. Just yay. I am crying reading this post and hugging you hard across the internets. And, ummm, did I forget to tell you about the farting? Sorry.

Catherine W said...

26 days. Wow.

Stealing the words of your ex-colleague. I am so, so happy for you and M.

That party sounds good, really good.

And you have my sympathy with the fenugreek. And the oatmeal. 26 days. Eeeppp!

And, yes, you and M are going to ROCK it! Lucky BBB!

Sue said...

Not much longer now - I'm very happy and excited for you!

Esperanza said...

Yay! So happy for you! These 26 days will fly by. I know it's cliche but eat out a lot and see lots of movies in the theater. You'll be glad you did later on. :)

Em said...

This post made my day. It was so beautiful that it made me wish I had found your blog a long time ago. I laughed outloud about the farting, and I loved what you said about "doing it for you little man." Thanks so much for sharing this journey.

Rebeccah said...

Speaking of beer, a lactation consultant recently recommended really hoppy microbrews to me as a way of increasing milk production : )

Really excited for you!!

luna said...

"And in that gaze we both relived all that we had lived together and where we are now."

I totally know what you mean here. I had the same experience with a few of my colleagues with whom I'd worked for over 10 years. so much that didn't need to be said. so much relief that we would finally get our happy ending, you kwim?

so freaking happy for you all! and go boobies!

Monique said...

So frickin' excited and happy. Yay!

JP said...

Oh so very excited for you and M.

tireegal68 said...

What a joyful, funny, farty post! So amazing to be a teeny part of this in blogland.

TracyOC said...

I don't even really have words to express how happy all of this makes me feel...even the farts. Maybe especially the farts because I'm really 5 years old in the recesses of my soul.

The thing that springs to mind is this--http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oavMtUWDBTM

Heather said...

I keep coming back, hoping to find the best words to express how freaking excited I am for you two, but they evade me. I just get a big stupid grin whenever I think of you.

Oh, and whaddyaknow.... IT'S MARCH!!

loribeth said...

Fart away! ;) I am so happy for you!