Friday, November 30, 2007

Count Down to Shoot Up

  1. Schedule received: check.
  2. Calendar to track timing of shots, blood draws, etc hung back on wall of my little "shooting up room": check.
  3. Meds for me and donor ordered and paid for: check.
  4. Credit cards pulled back out and maxed again to pay for cycle: check. Meds will be delivered to our door on Monday morning.

Ok, so, everything is in order. On track to start again, all over again, on WEDNESDAY. Just found out that in her last donor cycle, our donor had 23 follicles, 16 of which matured, and although it didn't result in a pregnancy, that lucky couple now has 12 embies on ice to try again with. Twelve! Recall that our first donor had so few follicles that we canceled the cycle. Twice.

All of this, fantastic news on top of the last set of great news. So why is it that I am a second away from sobs?

I've been in a funk for a few days now. You'd think I was already on lupron by the way that I have had no ability to focus, let alone work. Useless. I have been useless. And I think I have finally pinpointed what my problem is:

I am scared.

How to explain. The first few times, honestly, this felt more like an experiment. Like, wouldn't it be cool if....But now. Now, dammit, I am invested. I am hopeful. I am wanting. And I am near tears every time I think about the possibility of it not working. Am I willfully setting myself up for a heartbreak that I might not be able to bear?


Anonymous said...

I understand that "transition" you wrote about. I had some of the same feelings. Mine started out as...let's just get some information about it...and that led to, well you know, the mess I am today. :) I am excited for you! I understand the lack of focus and the crying too. I've learned that every time a cycle/process's different...which kinda sucks. Right now, I'm clapping for you and your new donor!! :D

Dresden said...

just waving to another December IVF cycle sista.

So hoping for wonderful results from your new donor.

Kami said...

Yep, it is scary, but trust me when I say you will survive no matter what the outcome. If it feels good to have hope, have hope! If it feels too scary, just reminder yourself you will survive and keep trying.

I can't wait for this cycle to get going. Then you will be in the thick of things and time will go faster.

Anonymous said...

i understand what you mean. i wake up every morning still afraid that i'm setting myself up for a heartbreak i can't handle. this journey is a hard one, friend. this is my 3rd cycle and i can't imagine doing it again if i m/c again. i don't think i have it in me. people tell me i'm a survivor, to keep fighting. but even survivors need to catch their breath. we aren't superheros.
i adore you,