Monday, July 14, 2008

I Think I'm Done Crying

Alright, girl. Public place. Keep your shit together. I know you've spent time bawling at this train station before but that was ages ago and FYI, you didn't just break up with your boyfriend. This time's a little different and no, it's not the end of the world. Just completely baffling...

This is the pep talk I've been giving myself for the last half hour or so. Sitting here at the station since an amazingly packed waiting room and slower than usual lab at the clinic has caused me to miss the 9 am, the 10 am, the 11 am trains back home.

Actually, I can probably place the blame squarely on my crying fit between the clinic and here, which probably amounted to the 5 minutes that would have put me on that 11 o'clock departure.


What's my deal? Here's the deal. After weeks of acupuncture, positive energy, yoga, abstinence from all things caffienated or alcoholic, hell, even a vacation, my lining measured in this morning at a whopping 6. A 6! What the fuck?

Sorry. Sorry. Apologize for the potty mouth. But really. What the fuck?

This is the lowest yet. I'm too bothered to link back to all of my previous posts but they go something like this: first cycle 7.8; first FET 10.1; recent mock cycle 7.1. And now this.

Please note that the mock cycle saw no acupuncture, nor good thoughts, nor abstinence from me. And yet that somehow yielded better results than today.

Text from hubby: Hey, that just means we get a few more days of estrogen and super pretty you, as if that is even possible.

Ok, that made me feel a little better. Until I met with the financial advisor to show her a recent statement from my insurance which said I owed something around the tune of 5 grand to the hospital for the hysteroscopy, biopsy, mock transfer and the anesthesia I so adamantly demanded to go with those procedures.

She gave me some phone numbers. There are still a few options. But here's what threw me: after previously assuring me that they would code creatively and try to get it through my insurance (despite the fact that I have no coverage for infertility), today she says, frankly, I'm surprised that they covered anything. Fertility is fertility no matter how you code it. I tried to tell the doctor...


Really. This is a great frank and open conversation to be having now, miss advisor. Since if I were sitting here with the full $10,000+ bill after your assurances otherwise, it would be a very different, much louder discussion.

She then goes on to assure me that this time will work, she's sure it will. And then gets all sympathetic and kind. Christ, I must be looking bad. On my way out, she mentions what a long and drawn out process this has been for us and that I should be keeping a journal.

At least there's no need to worry about that.

Next text from hubby: Hey, the last time your lining was 10 and that didn't work. Maybe this time it will. Why not try something different, right?


Waiting now to get a call about the lab results to see what they say. Not expecting anything terrible but I wasn't expecting a "6" either. I am guessing I will be returning to this spot either Friday or Monday for another ultrasound.

Hey, I am really sorry for the frustration emitting from this post. You know I usually don't spend too much time dwelling on the negative here. But this morning has simply thrown me. And I have time on my hands. And my computer. Think of it this way, writing this has probably saved you from hearing my rant against Oprah, who seemed to be going for a marathon of fertility-themed shows last week. God I hate Oprah.


Lori Lavender Luz said...

Oh, M. Sounds like a crummy morning all around.

I'm here. I'm listening.

Nadine said...

Sorry to hear about the lining, positive thinking, acupuncture, fertility yoga whatever will not give you a thicker lining, I know I tried. With accupuncture/yoga/ everything you can think of during my ivf cycle my lining was 2.5. with no help at all I reached a 4, with an overdose of vi*agra, estrogen accupuncture it reached a 4.... hmmm I see a trend.
Sorry it's only at a 6, but, I know a few women who have become pregnant with a 6.
If you do another FET - ask for the via*gra option, it can't hurt, and it has helped other women (just not me).
Good luck

Smiling said...

That sucks. I am so sorry on all the bad news fronts from the $ to the lining to just the all around suck factor.

I wish I could do something more useful, but know that I am listening. Hope that noon train arrived and took you to some place nice.

m said...

@lori and smiling - thank you so much. I know. And that helps.

@duck - I know. I know. You're right. Thanks for the heads up on a viagra option. It sounds crazy, but so does sticking estrogen pills up my cooch and that's what they have me doing now....

@anonymous - The incident to which you refer never happened. It's an urban legend. Or it should be.

michelle said...

I have been reading your blog for awhile now and just wanted to say I am sorry that this has been so trying for you all around, especially this last bit of news. I know how blown away I was when I had my FSH levels measured. I was expecting to be borderline at about a 25 or 30 and instread my levels came back at 118! No eggs from me (I had a Wilms Tumor removed when I was 3 with radiation and chemo).

Still reeling from the news and trying to think of what next for us. My thoughts are with you.

Stacie said...

Oh, man. I am sorry that things are not going as planned. (the plan being that all things go in the best way possible) If it is any consolation, I have heard of pregnancies with linings as low as 6. It just sucks to work so hard and really have no results from all the work. Hugs.

I am wishing you a much better day, week, and month.

Take care.

Manon said...

M, sorry to hear about this. Duck has a good point - I know a few women who have become pregnant with a 6. Stay positive! Things will work out! There are some videos about infertility on icyou that you may be interested in watching.

Pamela T. said...

I'm quite late in offering my support here, but just wanted to let you know I was thinking about your latest there anything we can do for you?