Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Which One Will It Be?


Have you ever gotten yourself so worked up as a kid that all of a sudden you are sobbing/sniffling/gasping/hiccuping and trying to talk at the same time? Like when your best friend got six cabbage patch dolls from all of her grandparents on her 6th birthday and you didn't have even one and she was a spoiled snot and didn't even deserve them and you were just incensed at the injustice of it all and you ended up getting spanked by your mom because you were being such a brat and embarrassing her and then got yanked out of the house all the time screaming/sobbing:

"Bu-ut (wheeze) it's (gasp) just (SNORT) not (hiccup) FAAAA-IIIIIIII-YERRRRRRRRR......." as you were dragged down the driveway to the car.

Hypothetically, of course.

Well, um, ahem. Maybe I had one of those days yesterday. (insert embarrassed face here).

Yes, I am fairly certain I suffered an anxiety attack of my own making but thankfully the story by S. reminded me that perhaps going to the emergency room is not the best plan of action. So I didn't. But honestly, the panic attack was small peanuts compared to the snot-fest I was when M. finally got home.

Poor M.

He just walked into it.

And after a few moments in his arms and on the couch, he wisely led me OUT of the house. Because he knows I can't stand crying in public (far too vain) and I'm guessing he couldn't figure out another way to get me to stop.

And he listened and he tried to sympathize and then he finally said,

"Look. It is not your grief or your sadness that is consuming you. Because I have that too. It is some kind of raging anger and hate that is eating you up. m., you are hurting yourself with your hate! What is going on here???"

I mean, he said a lot more than that. Some of it nice. Some of it not so much. Some of it that started the tears up all over again. But that is the part I remember.

and then he said,

"You can't hold this kind of hate and be happy at the same time. You need to decide which one you want. You can't have both. So, which one is it going to be?"

And then, we both sat down to watch TV and took a high powered ibuprofin (left over from the last hysteroscopy. holla) because we managed to collide heads when giving the PIO shot last night. (don't ask. I am still shocked M. doesn't need stitches) and promptly fell asleep. Exhausted.


This shit wears me out.

And so, today is a new day. And today I am trying, trying, trying to choose happy.


annacyclopedia said...

I sometimes feel like those total breakdowns are often a turning point for me cause they bring all the ridiculous (to me) feelings I'd been stuffing away right up to the surface. And then it's like I dress up in those embarrassing feelings as if they were a sparkly gold dress with a purple feather boa and stomp around for a while, sometimes embarking on a fucking parade through everyone I know to show off my snazzy and humiliating new duds. And only after I do that can I take those feelings off and start to move through them. For me sometimes it doesn't happen right away, but the clarity helps to get out that place of being consumed and stuck.

I hope it is much the same for you. I am so glad you have such a wise husband and I hope that a good sleep and a new day are helping. You're doing great, M. Snot fest and all.

Anonymous said...

I hear you. I have that hate, anger and rage and it does not do me well. On the plus side, I have decided to channel it into kickboxing. I might as well beat something up and use this anger. Take care of yourself and here's to choosing happiness today.

Barbara said...

I think we have to make that choice every day and someday the choice will be a raging snot-fest and other days the choice will be "happiness" and one day the choice will be easier.

(That M, smart bloke. It's good to have someone who can see through you)

Hoping your days get easier.


Nadine said...

I have those melt down too, and it sounds like your husband has given good advice (it is hard to be misserable and happy at the same time) - it is hard to be angry and full of peace.... you are dealing with a lot, hang in there it will get better.

Bluebird said...

Oh wow. I'm so, so sorry you had such a bad day yesterday. But, reading, I was impressed by the way your hubby handled it :) It took some courage to grab you by the shoulders and shake you like that! (Metaphorically, of course) Sounds like a great guy.

I also laughed because I, too, am much too vain to cry in public. I am the world's ugliest crier. Perid.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

He is a very wise man.

It makes sense that there is a lot of rage. We don't have many acceptable ways of dealing with it. Last night's release might have been just the thing to let it move through you.

Sorry about the heads, though. Ouch!

Kami said...

It is so effing hard. My thoughts are with you.

Mick said...

Glad to say I've never had any moments like that. I've witnessed quite a few over the last two years though, so I can really empathize with M.

Choosing happy is easier said than done. However, a strong spouse is always the key and it sounds to me as if you have one of those...

Lisa DG said...

Oh, sweetie. Just catching up after far too long at period of time. Your honey has some great insight- even when it sucks to hear it.

Deep breaths often can help. We're all here for you, if it's hard to stand on your own.

Sorry for the recent sucky stuff.

B's Mom said...

I hate crying in public too! I hate crying in front of anyone in fact.

I also have to tell you I love how your husband handled that. Mine just has the habit of hugging me and not saying anything because he does not know what to say.

I don't want to get all preachy on you, but I have to tell you that it really is a choice. I distinctly remember last year, trying to think of something to be excited about, and I couldn't think of anything. Nothing. The future looked so bleak to me. It actually made me afraid- I couldn't live my life like that forever. Instead, I made the choice to be happy. To pick myself up and look for things to make me happy. It was hard. Harder some days than others. But it really did work. Letting go of the anger is the first step. Your husband is a wise man. :) You can't be mad and happy at the same time. It's just not possible.

Good luck.

Lani said...

yes, i've had these. and its all of the above rolled up into one. and the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. i'm so there with you.


Two Shorten the Road said...

I just keep wondering who it was with the six Cabbage Patch dolls. Lori? ;)

Anonymous said...

Effing hard is a gentle way to put it. It completely sucks. I'm a pro at snotty crying jags now. I can tell when they're coming, generally gauge how long I'll need to lock myself in the bathroom and D has a nice glass of something waiting when I rejoin the living. Sometimes days later. They're sort of soul-cleansing now, but incredibly difficult to deal with until you can (sort of) sort through your feelings. Totally hear you. And you have a smart man there with you, I think. He's probably a keeper!

Blondie said...

I just came across your blog while looking for infertility blogs to follow (I need to read about people who understand!!). I just wanted to tell you how heartbreaking this post was, but how beautiful, too. Thank you for sharing -- many of us out there can empathize! Good luck to you :)