Sunday, June 7, 2009

Searching: the forms are filled

How would you describe yourself? Generally fearless. Curious. Eager to get as much as possible out of life. I am married to my best friend who shares my interests, my humor and love of life. The recent birth and death of our daughters continues to cast a shadow. We are still grieving.

Why are you choosing to search? I know what it is like to lose a daughter and to live with that loss every day. I would like to bring some peace and some closure to my birth parents, if I am able.

What do you expect your birth parents to be like? Thoughtful, intelligent, wise, funny, sarcastic.

Is there anything else you would like to share? I would like my birth parents to know I have never had anything but love and respect and admiration for them. That is still how I feel. There were times in my life when I was angry - not because I was adopted - but because I often see things so differently from my adopted family. Now that I am older, I think I understand this can be the case in any family.

When our daughters died, all I wanted in life was to see them again. If they (magically) appeared at my door 30 years from now I would simply be overjoyed at knowing they were ok.

I want my parents to know that I am ok.


Six full months after Isa and Jovi were born. Nearly six months after I requested the forms. Months after I had a painfully frank conversation with the woman from C*tholic Ch*rities who called to check to see if I had received them and if I had an questions ("maybe I just have a problem giving you more of me than you already have. Maybe I don't want you to know anything about me. Wasn't having the power over where to place me enough for the organization?") Poor woman. She got an earful. She shouldn't have asked.

After all of that, I realized that not starting with the place that actually does have names on file (even though they won't give them to me) made no sense. Principles be damned. Why am I making this harder than it already is?

I filled out the damn forms.

Adoption records in my state are sealed and despite the hard work of many advocacy associations, there is no ability for adoptees to pull up their records besides working directly with the agency that have them up in the first place, or a court order, and even then, judges are testy and will only allow non-identifying information out unless you've got a helluva good reason for more. (I have a right to know who I am and where I came from does not cut it.)

We won't talk about the forces that were behind closing the loophole that existing until the early 80s that many adoptees were able to use to get their birth info. We won't mention the conflict I feel writing a check to the place that produces nothing but bile and resentment from me. And we won't even mention the existential crisis and tear-fest the first question caused yesterday. (Describe myself? I am a mother who is mourning. I am someone who used to be happy every day and now I am sad and get even sadder thinking about how much I hate to be sad. I am a shell of the person I used to be.....) No, best not to talk about that.

Let's talk about the fact that after all my talk, I finally put the wheels in motion.

I filled out the damn forms.

(and yes, I mailed them too. Smarty pants)


ezra'smommy said...

What a huge and difficult step. Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

thank you so much for sharing and being so candid about your feelings. my DH was adopted and i've never been able to really understand where he's coming from. i think
reading/hearing as many different perspectives as possible could help.
good luck with your search.

Two Shorten the Road said...

I hope you end up being pleasantly surprised at the ease of the process.

I know it's unlikely, but you never know, right?

Lindsay said...

I'm new to your blog but I've read every word of it. I enjoy your frankness and sarcasm. I'm sorry you lost your babies and are having such a hard time with infertility.
You have been through so much in your life, but still, you press on.
Another bold move of many I've read about here. I am proud for you. It definately took some guts.
Not to sound all 1998, but,'You go girl!'.
Much Love, Lindsay

Smiling said...

that is huge. What a huge step with so much attached to it. I am hoping that something meangingful comes of it. It seems like such a big step, and then a whole series of days/weeks with no response.

Good on ya for getting the forms done and out the door

I feel a bit excited and scared for you! Best wishes !!!!

Barbara said...

So much luck with your search.


Bluebird said...

Oh wow. I can only imagine how your daughters are connected to your own birth parents. It makes so much sense and you articulated yourself so well ( if they were to show up at your door 30 years from now) . . . I'm so proud of you for following through with this, and thank you for sharing it with us. I'll be anxious to hear what, if anything, comes of it.

Kami said...

Good for you! I hope it brings the peace and closure you are hoping for

Mick said...

Good luck with that. I really mean it. It's a big step, but I hope it'll be worth it...

Lori Lavender Luz said...

Such a great post for adoptee rights to OBCs.

Congrats on moving forward, even amid the indignities.

Sue said...

I am wishing you the best of luck with this and that the process works for you.

Mikenjane said...

Good luck as you navigate between your past and your future. The space in between can seem seem rough. No wonder you're having anxiety attacks! Cut yourself some slack and let yourself feel whatever comes. It is all legitimate.

I have been lucky enough to adopt two daughters. I would give almost anything if they could someday connect w/their birth families.

So many good wishes! When happiness comes you'll be ready to meet it.

Rebeccah said...

Wishing you luck and continued strength on your journey!

(can't believe they make you pay a fee ... sigh)