Thursday, March 11, 2010

Love > sadness

Yesterday I had lunch with someone I love. After lunch we drove to see the Trees.

I explained to the this person that this is my destination when I drag myself out to run. It is the reason I don't stop and walk along the way. It is my reward for sweat and toil and perseverance. (I'm thinking I need a t-shirt - I went through labor and all I got were these trees.)

This person whom I love went on to say how its good to have a place to have conversations with "the girls" and I cringed because "the girls" is also how she refers to two (now dead) obese pomeranians (that I loathed). But I said nothing. She then went on to tell me that she talks to the girls everyday. In her mind, they are two little bumblebee-like creatures flying in the air, with little wings, perched on big flowers, laughing a giggling and having a fine time.

And my first thought was: that is seriously the most fucked up bullshit I have heard in a very long time.

And this time last year I would have said, "that is seriously the most fucked up bullshit I have heard in a very long time." And feelings would have been hurt (legitimately so) and tears would have fallen and two people would have gotten into a car sad and upset and feeling terribly misunderstood and alone and punished for sharing how they actually felt.

This time, I just stayed silent. And let her think her thoughts. Because, shit, whatever gets you through, right?

And the more I sat, the more I wondered to myself. Well, hell, would it hurt to envision your daughters as happy? Would it be a bad thing to think of them in a joyful way?

I'm thinking no.

And this is actually something I've been thinking about for a while now. There have been two instances now where I have had some energy readings or therapies and each time the person guiding me has sensed strong, protective, decidedly female power. The first time, I wracked my brain wondering why my grandmother's presence would be so well, present, when sure, I loved her, but my gi-gi (my grandfather) is the person whose absence I still mourn. It wasn't until the therapist said she felt two, equally strong vibrations that I realized,

Holy fuck. They are my daughters. My daughters are here with me.

I wept. She wept. And just like that it was over.

Just recently a similar situation occured in which a positive and strong aura was felt near me. Once again, I never even thought about it coming from my daughters. Even though I was purposefully in the room with their remains, their boxes, our only remnants of their short lives with us. The idea of them spiritually near me never crossed my mind.

Shame on me.

Shame that I need to constantly remind myself -
My daughters are NOT the tragedy.
My daughters are NOT my grief.

My daughters can be my light and my joy, even if they are not physically present. I can honor their memory and still live at the same time. There is no need for a hairshirt. No need to self-flagellate while saying their names out loud.

Isobel.

Jovita.

Those are beautiful, beautiful names, don't you think?

I think I need to say them out loud more often. Enunciated by more love than sadness.

26 comments:

myinfertilitywoes said...

Beautiful. Just beautiful. So glad you're in a better place and so, so true that you should focus on the joy... sometimes it takes going through the grief & sadness though.

Thanks for making me laugh on the 'that's the most fucked up thing I've ever heard' comment :)

Peace to you. And joy. And hugs.

Annie said...

Love this post.

Also would love to take a walk to visit the trees with you sometime soon.

Love to you!

Expectant Duck said...

So incredibly amazing to read. I too laughed at the this is the most fucked up comment, and get it, get why you thought it, and get how nice it is to see it the other way. AND
My sadness lifted when I felt my babies there, with me (a while ago post uterus morning) and once I knew they were there, really things changed, little by little (and then a few months later i read spirit babies and realized that i was not nuts and got the monkey and giraffe so I had physical items to talk to instead of talking to spirit babieS).
enough about me, i am so happy foryou.

Bluebird said...

Oh, honey, I love this post. First of all, YES - they are beautiful, beautiful names. Second, I am so very proud of you (hope that sounds okay and not condescending) for the journey you made in such a few short paragraphs. And by sharing it you helped me/ us learn too.

Sue said...

Beautiful names for beautiful girls.

Kate said...

That's a nice way to try to think of it. Difficult, I'm sure, but it would be nice to let your memories of them and their lovely names be a positive energy in your life.

musicmakermomma said...

This is a lovely post - I'm glad you are in a place where you can think of your daughters being happy. And what a great restraint you showed with your friend. I have said true things too hastily that I regretted later - and you avoided that pitfall!

Lavender Luz said...

I love the idea of turning the sound of their names from something mournful to something joyful.

Even meditative.

Very liberating!

m said...

Aw, thanks ladies.

I probably shouldn't mention just how often I have those "that is so fucked up" reactions in my brain. In my mind, I show considerable restraint (as in, I think my natural tendency is to be an asshole) but in reality, I am sure I could use more quiet pauses.

Annie, lemme know when you want to go. We'll take your pups. But they have to promise not to pee on my tulips.

duck, I love your insight. Always.

Oh Luz, don't act like you have nothing to do with this...Lindsay might fight me on this, but your first mimosa is on me. I am counting the days...

Hope's Mama said...

Amazing post. And they certainly are beautiful names. I'm certain they were also very beautiful babies.
xo

Michele said...

They are beautiful... And so true: they ARE your light and joy. They can be. They want to be.

(((hugs)))

Dani819 said...

Wow. I needed to read this today. Just exactly this. The idea that our babies themselves are not the tragedy, not our grief.

Isobel and Jovita are beautiful names. And it's beautiful that they were here.

N said...

Beautiful.

Audrey said...

After your previous "teaser" post, I was waiting for you to write this.

Jukebox story next?

And, I do love their names.

annacyclopedia said...

This is seriously one of the most fucking beautiful posts I've read in a long time.

Seriously. It warms my heart to know you are in this place today.

Isobel. Jovita. I am remembering them and saying their names with love. And yours, too.

theluckylife said...

I love so much that you felt your daughters' spirits. Imagine if they had been there with you, looking out for you, for like 20 years, and you never even knew they were there the whole time. Now you will always know that they are with you, all you have to do is say their beautiful angelic names xxx

LJ said...

I just said their names, with as much love as I could muster, out loud.

Jessica said...

This is a beautiful post. :)I love the way you talk about your girls. Their names are beautiful...just beautiful.

Part of the healing process is learning to find joy in them...not an easy task...*Hugs*

jill said...

They are definitely beautiful names. This is a lovely, inspiring post.

Molly said...

I also really struggle with thinking of my baby as happy or associating happiness with him so I think it's a great leap forward to feel that with Isobel and Jovita, even if it's only sometimes. Their names are beautiful, as I am sure they were too.

Twin Musings said...

What a wonderful way of thinking of this. So glad that you came to this and are able to think of your beautiful daughters in a more positive way and say their beautiful names. Many blessings to you.

Sue said...

Beautiful names. I hope you always feel them with you.

Smiling said...

wow, that is so powerful and moving. So beautiful both the names and your words.

freckletree. said...

i was guided to your blog by my dear friend april at eclectic effervescence. we are always looking for bloggers that are actually really great writers. and you are. there is no question that you can pluck the words right out of your heart. thank you for sharing. and i am so, so sorry for the beautiful little girls that were lost. and i'm am glad for you to be seeking some acceptance in their energy that is still with you. i don't know know you, but please believe me, you are very much in my heart and thoughts.

Two Shorten the Road said...

I totally believe they are there with you.

Huh, the word verification below says: wails.

Kami said...

How beautiful. I hope you continue to remember this and to rejoice in it day to day.

I want to add - just in case you recall that I don't believe in a spirit world - that my first paragraph is sincere. Just because I don't believe doesn't mean it isn't true and if it is only true for you, why not appreciate what that brings?

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