Friday, March 19, 2010

just sad

Somehow this weekend has snuck up on me and punched me in the face.

22 years cancer-free (and functional ovaries free)

3 years of TTC wih donor eggs and blogging about it
. Shots. Surgeries. Gels. Pills. Drugs. Hope.

1 year. This weekend should be our daughters' very first birthday party. The equinox should be theirs. But its not.

Instead it is just the longest. Fucking. Day.

I try very hard not to get into the "what would it be like if they were here..." frame of mind, but with babies popping all around and every one dusting off their strollers and smiles and taking them out into the sunshine, it is very, very hard.

I can't even go near M right because my sorrow has created an even deeper one in him. And his sorrow often worries me. I don't want to worry about anyone else other than myself right now. What a hateful thing to say. Its not. I am just not in the mood to pull someone out of despair while I'm down there too.

And I am just so, so tired of fighting the funk. And looking for a reason to Be.

I wish the sunshine and the promise of spring made me happy instead of unbearably sad.

I'm just sad.

13 comments:

Mo and Will said...

oh, m. Thinking of you. With you. All of this. It is just so much, so hard. Amazing that you can try to find the good even on the saddest days. You are one incredible woman.

Mo

Sue said...

I'm so sorry. I'll be thinking of you, M and your girls this weekend.

myinfertilitywoes said...

I'm so sorry too and will be thinking of you this weekend. Are you planning a run? Can you plan to do something this weekend for just you? like a massage...

(((hugs)))

theluckylife said...

You know how in the airplane they explain to you to take the oxygen mask first for yourself before you help others? It's true in real life too.

Your courage and strength amazes me.

angie said...

The convergence of all this puts pressure on even the ugliest of weekends to be shitty. It is just too much. Sending you much love as you tackle the sadness or integrate it, or whatever you need to do to get through it. I have to say the picture on your next post is lovely, though, is that the girls' tree? xo

Barbara said...

I know, it made me sad too. George should have been a spring baby.

Sending hugs and hope.

xxx

Smiling said...

so so hard these days... they sneak up don't they! And it hits both of you. I really really hear your comment about your sorrow creating a deeper one in him. I really hear it and get it and wish I could come give you a quiet hug of worry-free support.

It's not hateful to know where you are at and what you need.

Thinking of you. HEAPS!

Danielle said...

I hear ya- some weeks, both other people's sadness and their happiness just smacks you in the face, doesn't it? That just Being thing seems awfully hard to come by. So glad that flower showed up when it did.

chicklet said...

I can't even begin to imagine how this is for you. It sucks so bad that it happened, and that this day will forever be a tough one.

stacyb said...

keeping you and M in my thoughts. Sending support and general energy your way for whatever you may need.

Lucy said...

I'm so sorry the sun and warm weather are another trigger...it's so hard to see everyone so happy when you're so not...

Jessica said...

*hug* Sending lots of hugs.

loribeth said...

I'm way behind on my blog reading & commenting, but just wanted to say I'm remembering your girls along with you.

Google