Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Day 1 - Song

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.

Crunching through freshly falling snow, making my way to the Department of Public Welfare Building to request birth and death certificates for my daughters, Nick Drake's Pink Moon played over and over and over again in my ears as I cried and walked and cried and walked.

And even at the time I could help but think, "Fuck you, Juno. This, this right here, this is a scene is out of a god damned movie."

And wishing I wasn't cast as one of the main characters

When I was young, younger than before
I never saw the truth hanging from the door
And now I'm older see it face to face
And now I'm older gotta get up clean the place.

And I was green, greener than a hill
Where flowers grew and the sun shone still
Now I'm darker than the deepest sea
Just hand me down, give me a place to be.

And I was strong, strong in the sun
I thought I'd see when day is done
Now I'm weaker than the palest blue
Oh, so weak in this need for you.

And just like Catherine W., Nick Cave's Into My Arms is a song I listened to when I had the house to myself. The one I put on to bring on the tears, to stop from feeling numb. Because hurting is better than nothing when nothing is what you have.

When I was pregnant, I would try to take daily walks along the river. I remember stopping in my tracks one afternoon, absolutely overwhelmed by Radiohead's (new, at the time) album. Particularly this song. (christ, I am tearing up as I embed the damn video. Play with caution)

I just can't let go of this album, but this song is one I need to skip every now and then. Because its all too much.

And it goes without saying that Bjork's Isobel is one that is so beautiful, but now so painful I won't be linking to it here. If I had to choose one song, erased from my playlist forever, not because I don't love it, but because I do, this would be the one.

wondering what's going on here? Here. Read this.


Catherine W said...

Oh my. I don't think I can take all of these at once. I'll have to come and play them individually or my keyboard is likely to get soaked.

I love Nick Drake, I still listen to his albums quite a lot although many of the songs make me cry now.

I can't listen to the Nick Cave song often any more. It's just too sore. But I can understand how it would work like that, how it would bring on the tears. You're right, being numb is worse sometimes.

I find all of Radiohead's albums too much now. My husband plays them all obsessively but I have to tune them out. I find his voice too . . . disturbing, that's not quite the right word but something along those lines.

And the Bjork song, Isobel. It is very beautiful but I can understand why you wouldn't want to hear it again.

Anonymous said...

Music can be so intrinsically linked to events and emotions that songs can become impossible to listen to...

I can't say that I have any sad songs connected with my children - to be honest, most of them are connected with Blue's Clues or Sesame Street (historical link) or, vomitously, Lady Gaga or Ke$ha (sp?) (contemporary link).

Yours made me want to cry in sympathy. Or empathy. Or possibly both.

It's nice to have you posting again, by the way.

luna said...

oh I listened to pink moon about a thousand times on my ipod and slipped into another world, while grieving, and the tears just would not stop.

TracyOC said...

That Radiohead album came out shortly after the girls were born. I remember listening to it and wondering who died. And then I read an interview where Thom Yorke said that the whole album was about seduction(?). I still listen to it but it's just not the same anymore. Although I still can't listen to "Videotape," not in public anyway.

I also listened to "Fisherman's Blues" (the song, not the whole album) over and over in those early days. Another love song that my warped little mind has twisted into a song about loss.

Can't wait for the rest of the 30 days.

Catherine W said...

Back as promised! I just love the Nick Drake song. His voice always seems so genuine, warm and tender to me. It is nice to sit in front of my computer and just listen to the music and not do anything else.

Then I made the mistake of looking out Isobel as I haven't heard it for a long time. That opening line. . . my keyboard is soaked now.

And I can't face the Radiohead now.