Tuesday, October 12, 2010

We Interrupt this MEME....

For just a little bit of real life news.

M. and I have quietly been prepping for an FET with me.

And last night, after learning that after almost a full month of heavy increases of estrace that my lining is still only 4.7 mm, we decided together to call it off.

We still have time to try a few more days of estrace before another ultrasound on Friday, but really, what would that show us? That it's grown to 5.1? 5.5? Still well below the 6.0 that would usually mark the canceling of a cycle. Far below the preferred 8.0 mm.

It's not about the numbers. It's about feeling like this is grasping at straws, like this is desperate. And that's not a place M or I want to be.

I don't want to put everything on hold only to have someone else make this decision for us. I don't want to spend my mental energy trying to reschedule meetings, juggling more days off work, longing for my morning runs and thinking about all of the things I could be doing if I wasn't cycling....and truly, this is where my head has been lately. After the first ultrasound showed us pretty much exactly what I expected, my heart wasn't in it. And neither is M's. All the more reason to say, hey, you know what? I don't think this is the time.

This isn't bad news. Disappointing, hell yes. But the fact that we could rationally sit down and make this call - this decision that these were not the terms we wanted to accept - felt like a pretty big milestone.

"For the first time in a long time, I am actually happy with our life. I'm ok with where we are, with what we have planned."

"Me too. And I'm afraid going into a cycle where the odds of success are well below normal could throw us back to a place I don't want to be."

"Me too."

"So then...."

"So then."

**

We're not hanging up our baby-making hats. We haven't given up our hope for a family. In fact, I know it will happen. Somehow.

But probably not like this. Not right now.

And that's ok.

27 comments:

The Definition of Mom said...

Sorry to read about the crap lining, I really feel for you, as you may recall my ute only grew to 4.0, causing us to take some extreme measures..
I'm happy to read that your in a good place and that you have not given up hope, sounds like real progress to me.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

You have the most amazing way of seeing the world, which is probably why I love spending time with you -- I'm always hoping it will rub off on me. I'm sorry this didn't work out, but it sounds like you're in a really good place right now too.

N said...

I'm glad you're okay with it. Because that's the most important thing. But I'm so sorry that things have to get pushed off even more. If only because I want you to have those things RIGHT NOW. (I can be impatient FOR you, right?) I'm sorry that this didn't work out right now.

luna said...

it must feel good at least to be making that call yourself. when I was told the same thing (I had crap lining), I felt so desperately out of control. I agree with mel, it sound like you are in a good place right now. timing is everything.

luna said...

duh, soundS. (who proofreads their comments after the fact?)

~Hollie said...

Its so great that you both are content with where you are right now. To be on the same page as your spouse, is truly a good place to be. Sorry to hear about the lining, but it sounds like you have a good handle on this, and will proceed when the time is right. Kudos!

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

Sounds like a good decision. Might as well give those frozen Embabies the best chance and if that means waiting another month or two for your uterus to cooperate than I guess that’s what you need to do. So many of us (me included) have a hard time making logical decisions during IF. Glad you guys are able to do it.

nancy said...

bummer. I had my first transfer cancelled due to my lining not responding on estrace alone. I won't go into everything we did to get it to a slim 7mm which brought on our bfp, but if you want to know my protocol again, just let me know.

~hugs~ Even though it's the right thing to do this month, you are right, your lining just isn't ready.

myinfertilitywoes said...

sending you (((hugs))). I'm sorry for the disappointment. Glad to hear you're both on the same page...

lis said...

well, crap.
i hear ya. i feel that you are in a good place and at the same time i know that it is painful to put up the white flag.
i feel like the further we get into the IF world, the more likely we are to know our bodies and to self advocate. i know that they would have let me go one or two days more with the medicine this last time, but really? i knew we were heading nowhere good, and fast.
i know you will get to the perfect place for those little embies. our bodies are amazing, look what they have given us so far. they will continue to provide if we work with them. (i believe that but i still feel like im trying to convince both of us, sigh).
xo
lis

still life angie said...

I second what Mel said. I am cheering for being happy in your life right now. That is a lesson and wisdom in and of itself. xo

theluckylife said...

I'm so proud of you for your attitude. I know you are going to become parents too. I know it. It's coming, one way or another, and letting go of the fear is just such a good thing. I'm excited for you!

Sue said...

Sounds like the right decision, and I'm glad you and M can be OK with it - that's what is most important.

Jendeis said...

The news stinks, but you guys sound like you're in a good head space.

Smiling said...

Can I respond with both "that sucks" and "that is awesome"? I agree with Mel, you have an amazing way of seeing the world. And I think you've rubbed off on me a bit.

There is something really amazing about you taking back the steering wheel and calling your own shots on this, as a team, just hope that life steers some really sweet opportunities your way in return, but your lining not responding sucks. I hope your next run is wonderful though.

dana said...

you amaze me. both of you. although the outcome is clearly not what you intended, i'm so happy you came to a decision together. makes all the difference, i think.

much love.

m said...

Duck, you are my inspiration, you know that, right? Even moreso with your new blog.

Mel and Angie, right back atcha both. I love spending time with you too. I just wish we could do it more.

N, you can absolutely be impatient for us! Don't get me wrong, I want it RIGHT THE HELL NOW too. But I'm trying. I'm trying.

Luna and Smiling, it did feel good to take just a little bit of control back in the process. (and um, me, I proofread my comments - and far too many other things - after the fact)

And everyone else, thanks so, so much for your words. It was encouraging to read them today (because you ALWAYS second guess yourself after you pull off the patches, right?) At least I do.

Lavender Luz said...

Sigh.

You know that closed door / open window thingy?

Yeah, that.

Yay for acceptance. You and M are amazing and I'm cheering you on, whatever ingress you end up using.

Catherine W said...

I'm sorry that it didn't work out this time round but glad that you and M are okay with that. Like Mel, I'm hoping that some of your world view will rub off on me, except I'll have to rely on long distance :(

Hope's Mama said...

Sending love. You are an inspiration and this was really such a hopeful post.
xo

FET Accompli said...

I am also sorry that it didn't work out. At the same time, you seem to be at peace. That it will happen. In its own way. In its own time.

TracyOC said...

Sorry this go 'round didn't work out for you. I'm glad that you're feeling ok about things and in control of your choices but, dammit, I'm so pissed (on your behalf) that you didn't catch a break.

stacyb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
stacyb said...

You are both amazing and thoughtful and inspiring. Don't ever second guess yourselves. From what you wrote it seems like you did just the right thing for bot of you.
Sending you all sorts of admiration and good thoughts.

badbadwebbis said...

As you say, the most important thing is that you are both of the same mind about this, and no one is devastated right now.

But I AM sorry about your lining. That sucks.

Danielle said...

As someone who is spending an awful lot of time on the IF roller coaster these days, I am so impressed by your choice. This whole process can just carry you along, following doctors' orders and doing whatever you're told might work, until you get somewhere that you never meant to be and say "Holy crap. Why am I doing THIS?" But to CHOOSE- to know that where you are right now feels solid and hopeful and good and to protect that- that's, like, really damned smart. Here's to you.

Reese said...

Hi. I am a recent blog addict now that I'm going into my 3rd IVf and struggling with the DE decision. I just wanted to say how inspirational I find your blog. I've read it top to bottom and your story has drawn me in. I am sorry your journey is at a pause right now, but it sounds like it is the right decision at this point.

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