Monday, October 25, 2010

Up and Then Down

Plans for this morning were to post my perfect moments from the week, which consisted of a great weekend topped off with a concert by a beloved icon from my past. I was going to count the ways which the evening rocked and then bang out some more 30-days MEME posts since I am, yet, again, falling behind. That was the plan.

But M. woke this morning when my pilates alarm went off (I chose snooze. sorry. legs still sore) and continued to toss and turn until he finally got up, sighing the whole way in and out of the shower. Somber morning, the kind where I quietly can't wait for him to leave since the weight of the air is oppressive. Is it about work? Was it the alarm? Did I say something last night to start this funk? what was the trigger? How can I make it better? Can I make it better?

On the way out it felt like he was trying to pick a fight over some earphones and finally I was like, dude. What? What is this about?

"I just can't find a reason to get up in the morning. That's all. I just don't see the point."

And with that he leaves. And here I sit. Reminded that no matter how fine things appear on the surface, That is always there.

**

Sometimes I wonder how different things would be if I just never got pregnant. If nothing worked and the grieving was for something else. Not two real, actual little girls that never got a chance to get mad as us, make us crazy, make us proud. I wonder if the sting would be any less if we knew there was NO chance, as opposed to one chance, and oh you blew it, and now you have none. That feels terribly cruel, don't you think?

But where does the anger go? Who to be mad at? Sure there are the usual suspects, but inevitably it turns inward or to each other, or to The World in general, and leads to mornings like this. Ones where I text until he answers me so I am sure he at least made it to work safely (he is). One were all my best laid plans are shot to hell and I still have a day of work ahead of me. Of other obligations, other expectations that have nothing to do with this.

This dead babies/infertility/sad husband/crazy family business (which I am not even getting into here)...It's really doing a job on me this morning. And the rest of the day awaits.

15 comments:

Mo and Will said...

thinking of you.

Mo

Silver said...

There are no words for this. Sending a hug through the ether.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Abiding with you, sweetie. And maybe that's all you can do -- abide with him. Let him rage against the world and then retreat and then come back out and rage some more. There is a lot of grief there, a lot of anger -- it needs to go somewhere.

dana said...

a lot of love being sent your way.

stacyb said...

Trying to figure out which words to write here...please know i am holding you in my thoughts and my heart.

lis said...

i know those mornings (afternoons, evenings) all too well. hoping that tonight is better. this marriage after loss thing is way hard. im right there with you.
xoxo
lis

Audrey said...

These unanswerable questions don't go away for lack of an answer, do they? With you both somehow.

still life angie said...

Abiding with you both too and sending you love.

Heather said...

What a great weekend. And what a Monday morning kick in the pants. Ouch. I wish I had words to help you to help M.

Thinking of you both.

Danielle said...

Selfishly, I wish this post didn't resonate with me as much as it does. But it all does. Great weekend,followed by sad and freaked-out husband, followed by "what if we were "only" sad about infertility?"

I wish there were answers. I wish we lived in a universe where infertility didn't seem like the less of two evils. But mostly I wish you both peace and grace. And that damned soon.

theluckylife said...

My heart stopped when I read this. My husband was also unable to get out of bed in the mornings.

Men don't have the same coping mechanisms as us, we have this unbelievable support in the IF community from complete strangers, and the fantastic release of being able to write down our feelings.

They just sit there and stew on things quietly and then suddenly drop a bomb like that.

I don't know the answer, if I did I wouldn't be in such a pickle myself. But I do know that I am thinking of you xxx Strength sister!

m said...

Thanks so much for abiding. Your comments strengthened me throughout the day.

It looks as if the storm has passed. But damn, I am really sorry this post resonates with so many of you. (but encouraged, just a little, that our situation isn't unique?) There's gotta be a way through it, right?

Anonymous said...

Last night i was looking for something and came across the girls' birth announcement stuffed away in a drawer. instinctively i closed my eyes and turned away but then i looked again and it occurred to me that this was the sweetest picture ever and that damnit, M was meant to be a father again (you too). And meant to create a sibling for I&J to keep their little lights burning when you & M move on in life...and aren't those good enough reasons to get up in the morning? that and your hot self? :) xo L.

luna said...

what mel said. and others. it's such a tough spot to be.

and this: "I wonder if the sting would be any less if we knew there was NO chance, as opposed to one chance, and oh you blew it, and now you have none." yes. that's how I felt for a long time. and you're right, it is cruel.

Catherine W said...

It is very cruel. So cruel that it is hard to imagine that it could even be possible.

I hope that today was better for both of you xo

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