Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Ball of Frustration

I try. I really, REALLY try not to get down on my body. to hate on it. to show it anything but love. Sure, it's lumpy in places I wish it weren't and has been through a few ups and downs, but it's all I got. And I try to remember that. And I KNOW getting angry at it isn't going to change/fix/resolve/make things any better. But dammit. WTF? I mean really. WTF?
  • 11 days after stopping estrogen and provera. Still no deluge. Where is the period to end all periods? Where is this flood of built up (healthy) uterine lining that will wash away all that was yucky and let us start anew? Huh? Where. Are. You?
This is so damn puzzling. My body has an excellent track record with drugs. Um, er, yes. I just said that. What I mean is, you give it something meant to cause a reaction and it responds. Without fail. So why the obstinance now? And before you get all excited and speculate: No. I am not pregnant. How do I know? Because I peed on a damn stick last night. Not because we were hoping for a miracle birth, more like I wanted to enjoy my glass of wine without guilt. Remember: surgical clamps do not ovulate.
  • After 2 1/2 weeks of some steady gym intake, what is my weight? Exactly the same as when I started. Are my clothes fitting better? Um, no. But do I feel better about myself? Sure. But I would feel far better if I had something, anything tangible to show for my early mornings and sweat. And I do sweat. I am not one of those gals who takes a book along to read while on the treadmill. My thought is, if you can see straight, you're not working hard enough. Insult to injury: I do believe I am still sporting a post-birth body that seems reluctant to leave. As in, were my hips always that wide? My ass that flat?? Well shit.
Beyond frustrated this morning and M. can sense it and is trying his best to lighten my mood. I KNOW that this doesn't help. Won't help me get through my day. But if I don't address it, it will only get worse. I skipped the gym this morning but I'm working from home today so thinking I will take an extended break this afternoon. My goal is to find some moments to meditate this morning as well - but I don't do terribly well with sitting still.

So, the plan is: I am waiting until 14 fulls days past the last day of provera. If still no flow, we'll do some blood work to check all hormone levels. If it magically appears, we schedule a follow up hysteroscopy to check out the ute., have one more cycle with the help of bcps and then schedule a FET.

I understand that we have nothing but time. That its not a race. That any chances of dodging "advanced maternal age" are now out the window. I just wince at the thought that my body is worse off now than when we started. That the things we had going for us in the beginning cannot be relied upon now. I hate it. I absolutely hate it.

And I cannot believe I am now one of those people obsessed with bodily functions and fluids. (laughing at all poo jokes totally does not count).


ezra'smommy said...

So much of what you say resonates - my own body issues may be different but they are body issues nonetheless. GRRRR

FET Accompli said...

Hi there,

I am new to the baby making blogosphere (am a survivor too). I am so very sorry to read about all the crap you have had thrown onto your plate. I second Ezra's Mommy's response - GRRRRR.

Sue said...

Sorry you're hitting some road blocks. I hope things change for you soon.

chicklet said...

I'm with you that those who take books on treadmills are not working hard enough, so my guess is your body just needs a little while longer of this to kick it into weight-loss-mode. I was running for 2 solid months before I lost anything. Unfortunately with age, the weight is much slower to come off.

Bluebird said...

Oh that's so frustrating! Just one more thing we can't change and have no control over. Sucks.

And, I'm with you on the mom body being here to stay! My sister tried to make me feel better when I was complaining about my weight, she said,"you know, they say sometimes things never go back to the way they were!" My response: "Um, thanks. That's great. A mom body and no babies. Freaking great." :)

m said...

@chicklet - you're right. no time to give up now. I'll just keep on, keepin' on and hope that something starts to give sooner than later.

@bluebird - um yeah, those are my thoughts EXACTLY. I totally would not mind being a dumpy blob (ok, maybe I would a little) if I had an armful of babies. But I don't. So I do.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I'm one of those book treadmill people! Also blob-like, so they ya go. Actually I like watching movies best while I tread, the book shakes around too much.

Sorry AF is being uncooperative - but then, when has she been anything less?! Hopefully she will just show up soon, and you won't have to take more drugs to get things going.

And as a blob-like exerciser, please keep working out even if they pounds aren't coming off, I believe it really helps elevate my mood. Which is good when I step on my evil scale!

Anonymous said...

Hi there,

I'm sorry that it is so frustrating. I hate provera. Every time I take it, I worry that it won't work, and every damn time it takes nearly the full 14 days. I've had better luck using prometrium vaginally. For me, a withdrawal bleed usually just takes 4-6 days after stopping it to appear.

I'm kind of a newcomer to your blog. I just spent the morning reading your archives. My husband is a childhood cancer survivor as well. I'm so sorry about the loss of Isobel and Jovita.

I also wanted to say thank you for posting that link a while back to your trip. My husband and I are national park enthusiasts too, and it's so amazing to read about your trip! It's nice to find people our age obsessed with national parks. Most of the people we see at random sites are retirees.

Your site is such a great resource. We are finally going to Big Bend and a few other Texas sites next month (the last big NP my husband has not visited).

Anyhow, good luck with the provera. I hope you see AF in the next couple of days.

Dani819 said...

Tell me about it- sometimes I want to get a t-shirt made that says "My baby died and all I got was this lousy pregnancy weight." GRRRR x3!

michelle said...

I am so sorry you are hitting these stumbling blocks and feeling the blues from it all. When I stopped getting my period on my own I felt so so old, and dried up and faulty. HUGS for a brighter day tomorrow.

Cara said...

AF must be enjoying some goregous retreat right now cause I know a number of ladies feeling like she's more than fashionably late - and wanting her to come!

She's so damn fickle!

hoping your body cooperates soon and sees fit to shed a few pounds just to make you smile.

Two Shorten the Road said...

Hey, for what it's worth, the AMA issue is primarily one of egg quality, which won't be your issue since you are "outsourcing" that function thanks to said surgical clamps. The other advanced age stuff is more likely to be an issue after age 40: http://www.marchofdimes.com/professionals/14332_1155.asp

I'm sorry this cycle is being weird. Hopefully it's just a fluke thing. And I'm sure your bod isn't dumpy!

Kami said...

I'm sorry. I know it is hard not to be frustrated when your body isn't working the way you want it to. Maybe it just needs a little more time.