Ok. That was helpful.
After I wrote the last post I went where I should have been earlier today - to my calendar - and let out a sharp "OH FUCK" (kind of like the one M yalped when he realized at 6:59 am this morning that he had a 7 am dentist appointment) because I too saw a handful of things, one of which required actually dressing and leaving the apartment, that I didn't want to deal with today.
But I did.
And it was fine. Not fine as in the lunch was delicious or the speaker said things that were really great, but it was fine in that I ran into a colleague I really, really like and she sat with me and another very smart person sat down with us and just in conversation threw down a ton of great grassroots lobbying ideas that I am so eager to try out. And was, in general, very kind and mentor-ly and treated us like professionals even though we were decades his younger.
Because I am a professional. (professional bullshitter, heh heh. shnooka shnooka. Sorry. sorry. that's one of my inner voices sneaking through.)
But since she's hear (ooh freudian typo) I mean here, why don't I just try out some of the things that I would like her to say to me today:
I am MORE THAN my womb.
My uterus is a piece of me. The WHOLE of me is MUCH LARGER than that ONE piece.
There are things I can do and do WELL.
They are not discounted nor minimized nor erased because there is ONE PART of me that is not working well right now.
I am MORE than the sum of my PARTS.
Even the lady parts.
NOTE: I am truly not schizophrenic. Not that there's anything wrong with people who are schizophrenic or hear a cacophony of voices in their daily lives. But I do, like so many of us do, have a pretty nonstop (and loud. and opinionated) series of internal monologues that I seem unable to disable.
So I might as well try to reprogram.
it works -the re-programming - it really does (like this, sure I can never get pregnant but there are lots of things that I do that makes me unique - like when there is no food in the house, I can look in the cupboard and pull off a great meal). Or I can solve problems like no one's business, find people, move mountains, so what I don't have a uterus, I have all kinds of other great shit instead.
You are and don't you forget it! Much love.
My therapist would say, "That is very self caring of you." Which it is and you deserve to be cared for.
To this: . . . because there is ONE PART of me that is not working well right now." she would say,"your body is perfect the way it is. Nothing is broken."
Do you know what she means by that because I still haven't figured it out. :)
I hope schizophrenic-you gets her act together and keeps telling you those things. They sound like good things to know.
Just reading your post makes me feel more sane...see? THAT's how not scitzo you are!!
You are. You are more than your womb. You are more than your womb!!
Just getting caught up on my reading . . . I'm so sorry you're hurting. I wish I could do something to lessen it for you! And I'm proud of you for trying the reprogramming - I find that it doesn't necessarily make things "better," but maybe it keeps them from getting "worse" :) Thinking of you today!
Glad you had such a great reaffirming conversation, so wonderful when that happens! Hope good things come of it.
Good for you. Really. ~hugs~ and smooches to you.
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