Childhood cancer survivor. That's the good news. Bad news? Chemo and radiation zapped my eggs leaving me infertile. Egg donors were found, several attempts were made and finally we were blessed with beautiful twin girls - born too early (21 wks, 5 days on Dec. 5, 2008). Hang out with me while we savor life with Big Baby Boy, who arrived via gestational surrogate on March 25, 2013.
Monday, March 8, 2010
and I ra-a-an...
Encouraged by the fact that I didn't keel over on Saturday, even after M. said, hey, "let's go for a walk" and that walk ended up being a 6K+ stroll on top of my morning run, I decided to run again on Sunday. And I ran in the opposite direction.
Now, hang on. That's kind of a big deal.
But why? You say. Runners have a number of routes, a handful of favorite courses and plenty of variations to keep things interesting. You ran in the opposite direction on the same route you run every. single. time? Um, so what?
Well, here's the what. It's true, when I do drag myself out for a run, my route is fixed. Out my door, along the river, to the trees we planted for our daughters. Turn around. Back home. It is exactly 5K and I know every crack in the path between here and there. Despite the occasional gaggle of geese, fishermen by the dam or a galloping retriever off the leash, I know what to expect. I don't have to think that hard and I can focus on getting myself from one point to the next. If that seems to be working itself out, I can let my mind wander to things like writing blog posts in my head or remembering completely and totally bizarre dreams.
Yesterday, I was feeling a little, oh I don't know, adventurous. So I stepped out of my door and turned RIGHT instead of left. I turned right and stayed on the top path, the one with more foot traffic, the one facing the busy street, the one that's a little more exposed.
The one that I was running when I broke my leg last year.
Last year, when I thought I could run right out of my pain. When I thought three weeks after giving birth was plenty of time for my body to normalize. When I still believed there was a beginning and an end to the emotions that we ball up and label as Grief.
I know better now.
The last time I ran this route I was doing this funky stop/start, walk then run then walk again kind of thing. And I honestly think all that jarring is what did my poor tibia in. Pretending I could sprint one moment, then gasping and clutching my sides and just trying to get one foot in front of the other the next.
This time, one year later, I know I'm not the fastest chic on the block (and thank you, lithe 6-ft tall athlete man for flying by me yesterday to confirm that). But my pace is steady. I know my limits and I know when I can push them a little. I know what a good ache feels like and one that signals I'm stepping strangely and need to readjust.
I know there is no end to grieving, but there are days when the path is easier than others. There are even days when you are willing to try new paths to get to your destination. That's my revelation.
And this, my friends, is my Perfect Moment Monday.
Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between. Go visit Lori from Weebles Wobblog, founder of Perfect Moment Mondays to read where she and others found their moments this week.
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I LOVE it!! Good for you for giong the opposite way of your normal route. Very hard to do, especially after everything you've described.
And thank you, thank you, thank you for inspiring me to run yesterday!!! It was glorious!! I'm very sore today but it was well worth it!! I ran A LOT to get my grief out/deal with my grief after my miscarriage last fall. Running yesterday reminded me of that time period so I let myself feel those things again but I also let myself know that that was months ago and this was a different run.
yes. yes. yes! You said it exactly. Its feeling the feelings that come up and then reminding yourself this is a different run. You nailed it. That's what I MEANT to say!! :-)
I absolutely LOVE this post. I love the gentleness you have for yourself and the clarity and the peace within the process. Beautiful.
So glad you got this perfect moment.
This is a beautiful post of resilience and self-awareness. Inspiring, too!
It's so beautiful. Like a new neural pathway has been laid too, one that allows some joy back into your life. You are so brave and amazing. Missed your blogs!
what a wonderful and insightful post.
You are amazing.
Perfect moment! Beautifully described.
Where do you live - it sounds idyllic!
Keep running and finding new routes!
Hey, I was thinking about you today. I had a beer that I think is fairly local for you, called Troegs Nugget Nectar. If you haven't happened upon it, check it out. I thought it was very tasty.
I tend to run the same path myself.. left or right out rowing club, till end of beach, turn around. I love it for the same reasons. But what a perfect moment you described. Good on ya. I think I might try a new running route too now... literally and figuratively.
Thanks for sharing your moment. As Anna said, so glad you had it.
Yay for getting back out there AND going the opposite way! I restarted running too, just last week.
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