Lemme Tell You What's Going On

Because I just found out.

Sorry for the delay. Nurse is on vacation (fair enough) so there's been a little phone tag between me and the clinic. I am connected with a new cool nurse for the interim and she's done her best to get me up to date on findings and next steps.

Biopsy came back clean = yay

BUT my endometrium wasn't "in phase," meaning, it should have appeared to be in the 23-25th day of my cycle. It was lounging around 18th or 19th. Slacker.

So, we are gearing up for BRAND SPANKIN' NEW FET CYCLE starting with lupron injections on the 23rd. We've got a NEW and IMPROVED protocol which consists of double doses of PIO and oh I can't bear the anticipation progesterone suppositories.

Eww.

None of this is surprising. I was kind of guessing that was where it was all headed - towards the ickiness that some of you have described oh so graphically (which, frankly, I appreciate). But hey, the good news is, nothing was found that feels insurmountable. We are back on the baby-making train again. We are starting something new, doing things a little different. And I have been working like a MF to get my Qi (chi) and my mind right and ready for babyness.

Now if only my acupuncturist would call me back....

Can it be? One year blogging for me.

Is it really my one year blogoversary?

Yep. 365 days ago, I posted my first post, optimistically titled, "Coming Soon."

Since then, there have been 2 canceled cycles (lack of donor response), 1 BFN and a lot of anticipation. Our first FET (frozen embryo transfer) is well underway, complete with extra estrogen patches and acupuncture pokes.

Since I started acupuncture treatments this week, my dreams have amped up in vividness and frequency. Yes! Even more vivid than this one. More realistic than this one here.

So I've decided to take advantage of my overactive mind and try some visualization throughout the days leading up to transfer. Here's the visual I had of myself on the elliptical this morning, once again, trying to get in shape for the rigors I am hoping pregnancy will put my body through:


Ok. That's not nearly as cool as the image in my mind, but you get the idea, right? That's me with super-strong muscles and fortitude,protecting the sunshine and energy (an environment absolutely conducive to life, don't you think?) of my thickening womb.

And yes, my sneakers are purple.

How I Spent My Weekend

1. Went to a smoky bar to hear a loud punk rock band.
2. Enjoyed a Bell's Best Brown Ale with hubby.
3. Had a full cup of coffee and a BIG chocolate cookie for breakfast.
4. Had fantastic sex.
5. Rested my laptop on my lap without getting reprimanded by hubby.
6. Hung photos, curtains, lifted a ton of boxes and other heavy things.
7. Had a nice conversation with my parents (a rarity).
   
8. Ate smoked salmon and soft cheese.
9. Went to the gym and overexerted myself. Because I could.
   

And in a few hours, I will drink a lovely glass of Spanish red wine with my medium rare steak at my in-laws house.

What I didn't do this weekend:

1. mope.
2. my taxes (on my to do list).
   

Depending on how brave we feel, we may just bring FIL into our circle of "who knows." Because, frankly, I think MIL is about to burst and she needs someone to talk to. I think this failed cycle has been harder on her than us - at least we have each other to hug.

I want to thank all of you for your comments, your calls, your emails, and for adding to my repertiore of naughty words. I love this one:

“Sh*t the bed, Ethel!”

Monday is a new day. 6 am daily gym visits begin again. I now have a whole new opportunity to get into fighting form before the next transfer (I was still a few pounds over my target BMI this time). I really appreciated your feedback and your sharing your own experiences with failed and successful cycles. We will be talking with our doc and they may or may not decide to switch up our protocol for the next go 'round.

The way I see it, the next time 'round won't be such an utter and absolute shock to my womb, which has been barren for so long, that I am sure it had no idea what to do with those little guys. Here's my impression of my confused womb:

"What the F*ck am I supposed to do with this? What do you want? A pearl?"

Hopefully, next time, she'll know the plot.

Um, ohm?

So there I was, sitting here in my little sun room this morning, trying to be a good blogger and participant in the Second Happiness Challenge, and, well, shit.

I don't think I know how to meditate.

I mean, 10 minutes is a really long time, don't you think?

I'm not really sure what to do with my Self.

If I start thinking about work, do I need to start over? If I start thinking about blogging, do I need to start over? Does it not count if I have a cup of coffee next to me? If I get bored can I do some stretches or sun salutations or something? Do I have to be still?

Can I just go hang out on my back porch with my cup of coffee and be quiet? Does that count?

Oh man. You already know I'm not down with the yoga, and I think I am pretty self-focused and aware (perhaps a little too focused?), but I really do want to give this a shot. Any helpful sites or sources I should look to?

Figures

Doesn't it just figure. Just days after the "now don't take any meds without asking, especially antihistamines" talk with Nurse, my nose starts running like a faucet, my face swells and my teeth ache. Sinus infection? Great.

I've spent the day walking around with a roll of TP in hand, pieces of it shoved up my nostrils like some hideous face tampons because seriously, its that bad. The minute I stop blowing, drips of snot litter my path. Gross. I know.

I know I can take advil or tylenol or aleve, but I can't remember which one. I have an email into Nurse. In the meantime, any advice?

Update: a steaming hot shower helps. Definitely helps.

Spaaah

For the second time this week I find myself lying nearly naked on a table in a state of semi-consciousness. Only this time, the room is warm not chilly. Inviting not intimidating. Soothing instead of shock-inducing. It smells much better too.

After yesterday’s events I decided to join my co-worker and close friend and take advantage of the spa facilities that happen to be part of the hotel where we are having our three-day business meeting. She’s off to get a manicure and some reflexology. I am waking up from my 55-minute full body aromatherapy massage.

Sigh. It was awesome.

As the young technician’s hands are rubbing out my stress and anxiety I can’t help but wonder, what makes people choose a profession that brings them in such close and intimate contact with strangers? How can she bring herself to touch and manipulate strange bodies day after day? Old, young, sinewy, doughy, hairy even – all needing and wanting to be touched and in a sense, healed? How does she do it without gagging?

There’s a joke (that’s not really funny) between hubby and I about how my parents place doctors in such high regard and the fact that I went to a very good university and didn’t emerge as one is a source of eternal puzzlement and disappointment to them. But the truth is, I don’t do well with other people’s bodies. I am not sympathetic by nature and (until yesterday) I always considered myself to have a high tolerance for pain. Hubby tells me my bedside manner is pretty awful. I am sure he is right. A career in medicine, nursing or healing of any kind was never in the cards for me.

But this young woman must have some sort of gift. Something that I definitely do not have. Everything about her presence is comforting and her hands were strong! I was surprised by her firmness, even in her handshake. During the entire massage I kept thinking of scenarios or reasons why massage therapy became her chosen career. Obviously, I am making some huge assumptions here that it even is – it could be a summer job or something to get her through the rest of school for all I know. But I don’t think so.

In Alice Walker’s The Temple of My Familiar, one of the characters finds herself so sad, so jaded, so hateful to the whole of humankind, she quits her job and begins a new path as a massage therapist – forcing herself to touch and make contact with other human beings to remind herself that they, too, hurt and need healed, just as she does. I lay, face down, on this table and wonder if this sweet thing pushing on my heels and kneading my calves is jaded? Or someone who is seeking to reconnect with others? Or someone naturally drawn to a healing profession? Or just someone who doesn’t dig a 9-5 office environment kind of gig and would rather spend her days among scented oils and people who are truly appreciative of her attention?

I wonder and wonder and before I know it, my time is up.

Superstitious

Have I jinxed anything by picking up a handful of free parenting/mom-to-be/babytalk mags that are lying around my ob/gyn's office like candy?

I couldn't help it. I am fascinated. I have never ever ever even cracked one of these publications open. Today, my doctor was running a little late. I needed something to read. Before you know it, I had devoured one. Cover to cover.

Good lordessa, this whole pregnancy thing is fascinating. My body would do what? I can't decide if I am even more excited or slightly repulsed.

What I do know is that my back is killing me. Yesterday morning I had the brilliant idea to take a yoga class instead of my usual a.m. battle of wills against the elusive elliptical.

It seems that I am NOT a yoga kind of person.

I have no idea what I did. None of the moves were all that taxing. Frankly, the whole hour was pretty damn boring. Sun salutations, fine. Stretching, breathing, fine. Listening to the instructor talk about what yoga means to her, wasn't really feeling it. Laying on the floor in savasana for over 5 minutes focusing on the here and now and finding peace with existence and not thinking just being....um, sorry. This just isn't for me.

If anything, I probably need less time for introspection and dwelling on the present. I don't think I can get any more self-aware. And, you know, I'm not ok with the present, the here, the now. Me, I 'm looking towards the future. I already know what is. I want to dream about what will, maybe, perhaps, be.

Who knew?

Wow. Who knew that I was not immune to Rubella, aka German Measles? So I am off to my doctor for a quick MMR vaccination on Monday.

I probably would have been immune to this fact for the rest of my life, or at least until I got them. But since congenital rubella syndrome is no joke, we'll just get this sorted out quick fast in a hurry, shall we?

This probably justifies every poke, prod, test and squirt that hubby, donor and I are subject to over the next few months. Women are warned not to get pregnant until at least four weeks after receiving the vaccine. So finding this so early in the process means it shouldn't delay anything later on.

Oh darn you missing spleen.

Don't it always seem to go,
that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone....