What? No Shot?

Are you sure?

Do you mean it?

Do you really mean I don't have to contort myself into unnatural positions propped on pillows to poke my own butt tonight since hubby is at work?

That is frigging awesome.

Calliope said that the first night sans shot is divine. She's right.

So what am I doing with all this free time? Well, first I stuck my saran wrap back in the kitchen where it belongs. how nice to use it for wrapping cheese and other leftovers instead of the numbing cream on my *ss.

Now, I'm having my own private, pregnancy-craving dictated tailgate by myself on my living room floor. Honeycrisp apples (have you had these yet? They are the bomb!), cheddar cheese, and a huge bowl of cold sauerkraut. Oh hells yes. Fight on State!

At halftime, I'll sift through my free goodies bag I got from Motherhood.

You bet. I went there. Technically, I can still fit into most of my clothes. Most of the time, it's less than flattering. But the main impetus for the mall trip was my annual conference that's coming up in the end of October. I know that by then, me being able to wear all of my suits and business attire will be but a memory. I also know that this is probably the last work-free weekend I can count on between now and then. Things get intense. In other words, it was now or never.

The last time I waited until the last minute to pick up a few new things for conference, I ended up dashing to Ann Taylor Loft and pretty much purchasing anything I laid eyes on, threw it in the car and figured I'd figure it out when I got there. Of course, I ended up wearing and keeping 2 items and returning all the rest. I'm not willing to gamble like that with a figure that I am assuming will be less than easy to grab-n-go for.

So, my MIL graciously agreed to meet me at the mall and help me suss out some duds that would be suitable for work. Can I say we both started giggling uncontrollably at the sight of me and the "fake belly" they have in the dressing rooms to make sure the clothes will fit into the next few months? Wow. What a visual.

A Post I Wish I Had Written

From This Blog to God's Ears?

As I wait for my ride...

Ridiculously quick update as I wait for my brother to come get me and dump me in the river (with my kayak, of course) cuz I got the doc's permission and it is glorious, last glimpse of summer kind of day:

• 10 wks and 6 days and all is well.
• Went to our first "real" ob appointment and was delighted that I forgot how much I loved my doctor. Before our foray into the world of REs, I had been seeing his wife (also an ace doc) simply because her schedule had coincided better with mine, but now I'm back with the man who always seems to be smiling and laughing. And I love that.
  
• Like Calliope, was completely underwhelmed (but still thankful, very thankful) with the grainy quality of the non-vah-jay-jay scan. Was enough to see two little hearts pump-pumping away. There were rumours of hand waving but d*mn if I could decipher it. I guess the HD version of the seedlings at the RE has us spoiled.
• Got all kinds of binders and booklets and pamphlets on pre-natal classes and free stuff (and hells yes, I signed up for it all. Bring on the free).

My thoughts on this: I know that many of us hold off on signing up for freebies, planning showers, thinking about the nursery even, because of previous disappointments and losses. Understanding that all, I have made the conscious decision to embrace my pregnancy and see it as completely normal and healthy until proven otherwise. My mantra: "If you can't imagine it, you can't create it." So I am busy imaging the little spitfire hellion revolutionaries that I cannot wait to bring into the world.

And I bought a hottie mommie t-shirt this week.

What!?!? It was on sale.

hubby is not so cavalier, but he is humoring me. I think once we finally hit 12 weeks and dispose of the needles and the gauze and the suppositories and pills it will feel a little safer to him to shout it to the world.

My entire office now knows and that's nice. Nice to not have to speak about things behind closed doors with one other co-worker. Nice to have a little (not a lot, mind you) of understanding if I work from home for an entire morning or need to sneak out of a meeting for food. (don't make me hungry. You won't. like. me. when I'm hungry.....)

That being said, work is still kicking my ass. One of my co-workers decided to "retire" just a few weeks before our largest event of the year (thanks, buddy). And even if I have found him to be for the most part not very helpful and perhaps wished for his departure more than once, I find the timing of this callous and selfish and it guarantees there will be even more work piled on those of us that remain and are already swamped. Sh*t.

But it means we are back to an all female office and right now, that feels right. I think in the midst of this economic craziness going on in the States and, in particular, our sector, our little non-profit office has embraced a kind of "what?? whaddya got? what makes you think we can't take it?" kind of attitude.

Oh wait, maybe that's just me.

Not Quite a Post, More Like a Twitter

How absolutely F*cked up is it that watching Trainspotting just reminded me that it's time for my PIO shot?

In other news, more non-sequiters on the way. Including fun with boric acid and my journey into the 'hood in search of ranch dressing.

Can It Be?

Holy writers' block.

How ironic. I once joked about the perceived notion that pregnant women's brains must turn to mush - and now it's happening to me.

It's not that I don't have anything to say. Believe me. The list of bloggable topics is piling as high as plates of leftovers in my fridge. But where to begin? How to start? After a bit of an absence, what would be the most appropriate post?

What if I've forgotten how to write? What if I am so caught up in the lingo of marketing a conference (which is what has had me going nuts all week at work) that I'm no longer funny, relevant, interesting even?

Adding to my hesitation is the fact that some of you have pumped out some simply stunning posts lately. I mean, gorgeous. Perfect combinations of words that have had me laughing and crying and going, "holy sh*t, that [your name here] is a great writer."

And now I see that I have several paragraphs down about how I haven't been able to push out a paragraph. Writing about not writing. A post about not being able to write a post. How Post Modern. How very meta...

Let me start by saying all is well.

We had our second ultrasound on Thursday and saw two pulsing kidney beans up in me. Measuring in at 8 weeks 4 days, at exactly eight weeks and four days. We could see the beginnings of placentas and little umbilical cords the size of dental floss.

It was stunning. And I don't think I've been the same since.

We had a teary goodbye at the clinic with our Nurse who has been with us since the day we started, through the canceled donor cycle, on to the new donor (who she helped pick out) past the first BFN, then the next BFN, on to the new doctor, the hysteroscopy and now here. Where we are now. Which is a pretty new place.

We have officially "graduated" from the university hospital where our donor egg adventure began (which is kind of funny, since I almost did go there for college.) All week I've been exclaiming, "I graduated from ____!" Really? I thought you went to ____? I did. I'm making a funny.

Hubby's level of excitement has reached an unprecedented level. Seeing the heartbeats has made it real. He's giddy, hopeful, still kind of shocked.

Me? I'm caught between these desires to clean (which room will be theirs?), to nest, to plan (how many sick days do I have left? what are our benefits?), to prepare (where do we start?) and the need to just sit down and stare into space, trying to take this all in. Add to that the occasional, "Hey, wait a minute. What the F*CK have I done?" moment. Which I have been told by my trusted co-worker and confidant L. is totally normal.

I feel as if I've been plaguing L. with my need to be reassured that things are "totally normal." We've discovered the wonderfulness of skype and now her days are filled with these lovely lines from me:

"Hey L, I feel like I'm gonna puke but I never puke."

-totally normal.

"L. is it normal to be hungry and nauseous at the same time?"

-yep.

"L., my pee smells."

-dude. TMI, but don't sweat it. Totally normal.

It's funny. L and I have about the same level of patience - which is none. And that is why I love her. but she has been unwaveringly patient with me. I feel doubly blessed with a BFF who has just had a beautiful baby boy and does not mind talking me through the ups and downs of their first weeks together. Add to that a SIL who has helped her little one transition from a preemie who cried and cried and cried to a funny and fun-loving, curious and thoughtful one year old. And I don't think I could ask for a stronger circle of support or set of women to help me through this strange new world.

And I know that circle will grow as we continue to share the news. Which we will. In waves. As it feels appropriate and my belly starts to show.

Nine weeks, as of tomorrow.

Trying Out the "P" Word

Alright, y'all. I did it. It came out of my mouth. To strangers no less. It went kind of like this:

"Can you please help me with my bag? I usually wouldn't ask, but I'm p........"

And then I giggled and snickered a little and hoped no one heard me. And then I did it again,

"I'm sorry. Can I please have the aisle seat? I'm p......... and need to walk a bit on the flight. Oh thank you so much. I really appreciate it."

And then, and this one was kind of tough, yet again,

"Oh gosh, I'd love a free margarita, but I can't. I'm expecting." (because, above all, I have a deep and intense need to explain why anyone in their right mind would turn down a free drink.)

Wow. Wowy. Wow.

Where to begin. I guess with this little image.

And I thought when I saw something on screen, it would make things feel more, you know, real. Actual. Realized. But I still sauntered through the rest of the day in a state of shock. Even after my RE told me the next time she saw me (Sept 4) we'd be listening for heartbeats, warned me not to eat big fish and recommended I call my local ob/gyn now to start setting up appointments.

Um, ok. But first I should probably let her know that it seems that I have reason.

So, hubby has been giddy. Giddy as a schoolgirl. I have been, well, pretty tired and very crampy and beginning today, just a little nauseated in the morning.

Am I a sick f*ck if I tell you I am loving every minute? Every crampy minute.

This week has been a bit of an adventure. I'm actually clear over on the other coast attending a conference for work. An event I've been looking forward to for months, until hubby got uncharacteristically worried and cautious-sounding the evening before the plane: Just remember to walk around. Does L. know how to give you your shots? Will she be ok? Will you be ok? Are you going to have enough time to rest? Are you going to be ok on the plane? In the airports? Are you going to be OK?

And I laughed and hugged and reassured but damn it if I wasn't filled with a little bit of anxiety that wasn't there just a minute prior.

Is this what being a parent feels like? No really, I'm serious. Just a little tinge of nervous for all those things out of your control not because you give a shit about yourself but for how said uncontrollable factors may impact your loved ones?

I can honestly say, I have never in my life had these feelings before. Ever. And I have placed myself amidst far too many uncontrollable factors and in situations beyond my control.

But fear not. All went well. Very well. The flight was smooth and included the following highlights:

• a phone call from a wrong number that turned into a lovely and uplifting conversation ending with a heartfelt wish for me a safe flight;
• a phone call from my boss assuring me I could stay an extra night or try to grab a non-redeye flight home if I wasn't feeling up to it;
  
• an early arrival in California due to scoring the last empty seat on an flight that left DC 3 hours earlier than mine;
• a free upgrade to Economy Plus since it was the seat I scored - that's new airplanese for "a seat that doesn't suck;"
• a free meal on flight since I volunteered to switch seats with a little one that was too little to be in the emergency exit row (but didn't need to switch after all).
  

So, hey, it wasn't bad.

Now, I'm resting in the commuter terminal getting ready to begin the first leg of my long and (alas, redeye) series of flights home. An earlier trip to the airport didn't produce the previous luck I had with standbys and upgrades. But it did give me the following conversation with my Somalian cab driver:

"Where are you going?"
"Home."
"Do you have children?"
"No. not yet."
"Oh. Well, when you do I hope you have twins. You should have twins. I really, really hope you do. they are the best. I have twin girls and they are a joy. But for you, I hope you have a boy and a girl because then you will be happy and your husband can be happy."

Well how about that.

It's been a lovely trip.

(footnote: as of today, I have been knocked up for six weeks and 2 days)

This is Normal, Right?

Sunday afternoon saw me at my local CVS. The reason? I'll be traveling soon and due to the security restrictions that accompany flights these days, I had to go purchase my requisite 3 0z. or smaller see-through containers (that will all fit neatly into a quart-sized ziploc bag) to hold any gels and liquids I plan on taking with me.

I was already out of sorts since travel-sized anything goes against the thrifty shopper in me, not to mention the wanna-be earth momma.

But once I was there, I noticed that if you purchased $10 worth of certain candy/chocolate, you could earn an additional $5 in CVS bucks. Well hey! I thought, "gosh, I have been getting chocolate cravings at work lately..." and "a bag of werther's originals sure would be nice to have..." and within minutes I had made my selections and taken my basket up to the checkout.

Only to find that one of the bags I had chosen wasn't the "right" kind of candy to get my my CVS bucks. WTF?!? I demanded to see a manager.

Yes. I did.

And told her that I had made my selections using the "free CVS bucks!" as my guide. Surely I couldn't be wrong. And then she pointed out I grabbed the right candy; wrong sized bag. But she assured me we could just cancel out the previous bag and go grab 2 of the smaller bags. But then I would still need another small purchase to make my $10.

And that is when I realized I was staring (almost) $10 worth of candy. Candy! Ridiculous.

So I said, as sweetly as I could. You know what, let's just return it all. I really don't need any of it. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry for the trouble."

What was I thinking???

This is normal, right?

In better news, my automated voice message reminding me of Thursday's ultrasound came from the "ob/gyn care" dept of my hospital.

I listened to it twice.

Nice.