Childhood cancer survivor. That's the good news. Bad news? Chemo and radiation zapped my eggs leaving me infertile. Egg donors were found, several attempts were made and finally we were blessed with beautiful twin girls - born too early (21 wks, 5 days on Dec. 5, 2008). Hang out with me while we savor life with Big Baby Boy, who arrived via gestational surrogate on March 25, 2013.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
I am in serious need of an attitude adjustment.
My eye has almost completely healed; vision is restored. The scab on my shin from my first (and only) encounter with the treadmill has faded. My outside is returning to normal. My inside is what feels rotten. I am trying for some inner peace here (remember: happy home, happy home...) but EVERYONE ELSE IS MAKING IT VERY HARD.
For example, I just got an email saying that we are celebrating a co-worker's birthday during our already interminably long staff meeting today. Instead of saying to myself, "oh. yay. cake." My first response is a grumble and a groan, thinking, I don't have time for this. I have things to do and this means my afternoon will be totally consumed by this frigging meeting.
What the hell is wrong with me? Every email I open this morning generates some sort of snarl or snarky internal comment from me. And it's not just work-related. And it's not just this morning. I think I have been scowling (in between squints) for at least a week now. If I make this ugly face for much longer, will it stay this way?
Ok, if the phenomenon is so widespread, perhaps its not all of humankind that's the problem here. Maybe, just maybe, it's me.
Sweet, sweet hubby finally laid it out for me last night: "You have got to stop thinking about your parents. Just stop it. They are adults, right? They can make their own choices, right? Have you ever, ever in your life made a decision that they thought was foolhardy and/or ill-advised?"
Well, yes. (friends reading this post can just take a moment and chuckle thinking back to some of my many ill-advised moments. I did.)
Did they let you? Did they trust that you would work it out?
Would it be so hard for you to grant them the same respect?
Well, no but.....
And here is where I start pointing out all of the errors in their thinking and how they could be making a huge mistake and here is where hubby says,
Do you even realize how condescending you are being right now?
Ouch. No. I guess I hadn't.
So, as of today, I must be nothing but positive and affirming for them. The decision has been made. The house is sold. The movers are arranged. I have said my peace. But now I have a panicked mother filled with second thoughts. There is nothing for them to do but look forward to their new home (wherever that will be) and try to enjoy their old age. Sure it's sad leaving a home you built 40 years ago and some tears are definitely allowed, but they are not the only people in the world that have sold their house. If I am a semi-decent daughter, I will help them come to these conclusions.
So, that brings me to affirmation #1: I WILL not worry about my parents.
And the rest follows in no specific order:
#2: I WILL get pregnant. My donor will be ok. (she came in a little low for her reading yesterday)
#3: I WILL write at least an hour a day, finish our book and that book WILL get published.
#4: I will be positive in my outlook and my thoughts. I will greet each person with a smile.
And in the case of my co-worker, wish her a very, very happy birthday.
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You will, you will, you will!
You've got a lot of things on your plate. A bit of grumpiness is in order, I'm sure. I hope you manage to think positive regardless!
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