Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Feels like...Nothing.

Rain. Rain. Rainy. Rain.

Icy, cold, why-the-hell-aren't-you snow rain.

These days have been dragging. Now when was the last time you heard someone say their vacation days were going by too slowly? It's not even Xmas and I think M. and I are both ready for a regular routine. Some hard and fast work deadlines. Places to be. A reason to get out of bed. Days off are great. But not when neither of you can figure out what to do with yourselves.

"Wanna do something?"
"Sure. What?"
"Not sure. Any thoughts?"
"No. "

"Wanna go someplace?"
"Sure. Where?"
"Oh. I dunno. Got any ideas?"
"No. you?"
"Hmm. No."
"Me neither."

But then we come up with some. All of which are vetoed. Too far. Too expensive. Too boring. Too, too. Of course, the weather isn't helping. No point of discussing hikes or outdoor adventures. Not when pneumonia feels like the likely result. A gym visit is good for an hour. Tops. And then we're back to what we were doing before. Either on the couch or in the office. Reading a book or playing video games. Watching TV or checking the computer. And on any other day. Any. Other. Day. This would feel like bliss to me. A welcome respite. A delicious way to spend the day doing nothing with my sweetie.

But that's what this feels like today: Nothing.

We are feeling absolutely rudderless. Aimless. Days are filled with things to fill the day. Nothing more. What to do when you have completely reprogrammed yourself to exist solely for your children?

And your children aren't there.

I know that every day won't feel like this. I know the rain won't last forever. But this is what it feels like today.

And the rain seems like a cruel joke.


Amy said...

Mama never told me there'd be days quite like this. Wishing you as much comfort as possible today.

Stacie said...

Sending love and hugs your way and hoping it brings a tiny bit of comfort.

nancy said...

I totally understand how you would feel like that. Keeping busy is a way to keep your mind off things yet you don't have anything to keep busy with. ~hugs~

Pamela T. said...

it will get better, i promise. meanwhile sending you warm wishes of goodwill...

Mo said...

I'm glad you can remember that every day will not always feel like this. It will get better, slowly but surely. You guys are doing everything you should be doing. Hang in there. And be patient with yourselves.


Kami said...

My thoughts are with you two tonight. Sending you love and comfort.

Skerry said...

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and M.

chicklet said...

We're not in the place you're in, but I get the not knowing what to do with yourself, the 'what should we do' vs 'who cares' conundrum. It really really sucks.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

You've been on my mind all week, M.

Just helping you bear the load until it gets a little easier to carry.