Can I get back to you on that?
Yesterday was the day we met my bio dad, his mom, sister and her husband for the very first time. Like, ever.
This I know: I am in love with two feisty, loving, awesome, sassy, smart, funny Jersey ladies. I mean, in full-on love. These are my girls.
That guy that contributed to my birth. Hmm. I'm really gonna have to get back to you on that.
To say I'm still processing it all isn't really true. It's about as processed as its going to get. But perhaps my opinion will get a bit kinder if I sit on it for a while. Mull it over. Talk it through with some folks. A conversation we had with a friend this morning and what he had to say about our recounting of the day actually did give me more food for thought. Maybe I just need some more food for thought.
I could recount all of the things he did/said that made we wince/cringe/roll my eyes/run to the bathroom and text M. (who was there with me, BTW), but then I look like the dick. "Oh m," you might say, "that's not that bad," you could say. Perhaps not, but the culmination of constant foot-in-mouthness (seriously, your jaw would drop) added to the non-stop not pronouncing my name correctly after repeated corrections multiplied by the doing everything that annoys me (please stop repeating yourself and the same stories, please stop adding emphatic footnotes of familial ties anytime you mention someone's name - "oh and so and so, you know, your mother" - yeah. dude I get it and by the way, please STOP TOUCHING ME) contrasted with the absolute wonderfulness of the rest of the family, JFC, I just couldn't take it.
And sure, I bet he was nervous as HELL. And yes, I have been told I can be a little, um, intimidating. And perhaps I was already ready for a rumble based on some previous phone conversations. But dammit, if this is the day you've waiting for your whole life, could you put on a fucking clean t-shirt and pull the cigarette out of your mouth for a goddamn minute? First impressions? Hello? And oh, someone should probably have given you the memo: don't be needy. I fucking can't stand needy.
But let's get back to the bright side: I learned a lot. Namely, I am my mother's daughter, with perhaps a bit of the women from his family added in for spice and sassy. I learned my mother's name. Saw where she lived. Saw a photo. Which is now mine. Learned that not only do my bio dad and I have nothing physical in common, we are about as far apart cerebrally as two people could get. I am tempted once again to add specific examples here but I won't. There's no need.
I think you get the picture.
So, am I sorry we did this? Fuck. No. See my first paragraphs. I now have some amazing new people in my life. And time to figure out that other one. This was all a lot to take in. A lot. Maybe we just need a little more time.
And shit. Time is one thing I have.
Sorry it was not all fabulous, but I guess that's to be expected. I'm so happy you do have some wonderful new people in your life. Hope that balances out the rest.
I am sorry to hear your visit was not all you hoped for, but glad something positive came out of your visit.
Wow. Just wow. Such a long-awaited event.
So glad you have these new sassy joisey gals in your life.
Wow. I can't quite grasp what that must have been like for you, for him.
What a tremendous day. FWIW, I am not adopted, and that abot sums up how I felt about my dad for most of our relationship. Wish that part had been different, but I am thrilled that you found 2 new relatives whom you'd actually choose. That's huge.
So freaking huge, m. Sounds both amazing and disappointing at the same time. So cool to find out about your mother and have these new amazing women in your life. Your dad sounds a great deal like my dad too (the jaw-dropping inappropriateness, dangling cigarette, and feelings of absolute disconnectedness of all he is.) Here's to hoping nerves did a number on all of his social graces. Bringing him into the real world must bring its own kind of...not peace...but perhaps, understanding? XO
PS How can one mispronounce your name? I can't even imagine how to mispronounce it.
I'm gonna second Angie on this one...how many ways could you possibly pronounce it?
And the thing about nerves. Maybe he just couldn't quite get it together in your presence.
Holy crap your plate is full! A lesser woman would have wilted under the pressure this month. You are my hero.
This is enormous and without good words, I'm just squeezing your hand. What would be the ideal next steps for you?
Oh wow, m - Heavy! I didnt' realize this was coming up so soon. Based on your brief discription I suspect I would have walked away with similar thoughts/ opinions :) But I think that it is wonderful and awesome and brave that you went! And, more importantly, that you're glad you went.
Wow, what a story. I mean, you expect the tearful lovefest reunion when you think of these things. :) I'm sorry that he was a spazz.
There's gotta be something of him in you, though -- probably some of the good parts.
Do you look like your birthmom?
I'm glad some of them turned out to be great, and that you have more info on your birth mother. And even if you decide you don't want much of a relationship with him, you've had a chance to meet him.
Would it be terribly foot-in-mouth of me to say that I'm glad you were brought up by people other than him, if that's how he was when he was younger too?
Good on you for being brave enough to make contact and go through with meeting them all. I'd have been intimidated and scared shitless.
I can't imagine a more full on week for a person! Wow. I can't even imagine.
How lucky that you didn't meet him without the rest of the redeeming clan... I am a huge believer in meeting 'your people' however they come to each of us in life -- most of 'my people' came to me in the most random of ways.
Wow... what a thing to add a top everything else...
I actually had to sleep on my comment before I posted, hoping that soemthing amazing would pour out of me, but, I got nothing.
My BFF when younger was adopted and longed to meet her bio people, and when she did she was dissappointed (she wanted a brother, a protector, and a white picket fence) and what she got were people that really were strangers, and not what she was looking for...
Wow, what an emotional event for everyone. While I'm sure the stuff with your dad was cringeworthy, I'm glad the Sassy ladies were there - they sound like a trip!
As for your dad, I'm just sending you super hugs for your guts. You impress me with your fortitude on a daily basis.
I'm soooo with you on the neediness. The more someone needs me to like them, the more I want to get away. The thing I think is particularly hard with blood relatives is you're supposed to like each other just cuz you're blood, when if you weren't blood, you'd probably never be friends...
oh no! wow, glad M was there with you and that you managed to somehow get through it. and now you have some more jersey girls to love! perfect.
wow, that is something. I can't even imagine. I'm glad to know you've got some wonderful new people in your life though.
Wow. What a day.
I'm sorry it was tough - you are brave to have done it. My father (bio, not adopted, but we left him when I was 2) called me to talk, back when I was 23. For the first time EVER that I am aware of. He got my machine, and I called his girlfriend back, and gave her hell about what a creep he was. She said he loves me.
He was dying at the time, which I didn't entirely know. I found out where he lived - other side of the country - and later that year I was within 30 minutes of him. I never called him or wrote, or even walked by his house, and he died 3 years later, when I thought I had so much time to decide how I was going to be with this man.
Thing is, I was afraid I'd be too nice to him, and I couldn't stand that. Too nice. Like, "Oh, it's OK, I'm fine" too nice. And what would that have cost me? He's been dead for four years and I have to say it is a regret. I'd have liked to get to know him, even to hate him secretly.
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