Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Late Starts

The time stamp on this post is 6:42 am. Which means I probably started writing it a little past 6.

I don't want you to get the wrong impression.

This is by far the earliest I have been awake and functional since Iso.bel and Jo.vita left us.

Since we've been here alone, the hardest thing, the absolute toughest thing for me to do is get out of bed and stay out of bed in the mornings. It is a daily struggle. First, there is a matter of routine. In the beginning, when I didn't have one, there was no reason or point to rise until I couldn't stand being stationary any longer. Then, when M returned to work, I would get up with him, sit with him for a bit and watch TV, maybe have some toast, and then crawl back in bed when he left. Fall back asleep, and before you know it, wham! 10 or 11 am was upon me.

Next is the fact that I am not sleeping through the night. I seem to catch my sleep in fits and starts, only really falling fully deeply asleep towards the morning. And I love to sleep. Love it. Unlike my husband who wouldn't sleep at all if he could help it, I would sleep 9-10 hours a day every day if I could. So I am so reluctant to give up the few hours I get once I finally reach a dreamy state.

No point in setting an alarm, because I shut it off, have a long debate with myself, yell at myself to get up, tell myself to fuck off, and then go back to sleep. Reset the alarm for a later time....lather, rinse, repeat....

Now that I am back at work (kind of) it is a little better, but not really. The alarm goes off, I hit it, set it for later, tell myself if I get up at that time, I could still roll out of bed, skip the shower, get dressed and make it to the office at a reasonable hour....15 minutes later...well, I could at least start work from home at a reasonable hour...15 minutes later...ok, now I am going to be late no matter how I cut it...15 minutes later...maybe I should just take a personal day...

Every day is a dice roll as to which scenario gets played out. Today was different because we somehow fell asleep before 10 pm last night. Actually, earlier. We got ourselves up off the couch and into bed by 10 pm. So by the time M's alarm was set to pop, we were both ready to be done sleeping.

Or maybe today's a new beginning? Maybe today is the day I decide that having more hours in the day to deal with is ok. We'll see. I'll take it slow.

If it doesn't hurt, I'll be ok...

14 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm sorry. I remember the sleepless nights and the racing brain and the feeling of never wanting to get out of my bed again.

It does get easier, if not better. I found, that for a few months, mild sleeping pills helped.

Amy said...

Just don't push yourself too far too fast. The world will always be there waiting.

lostintranslation said...

I completely understand that you don't want to get up, especially if you're not really sleeping well until the early morning hours. And if that extra sleep gives you some additional energy to get through the rest of the day, I don't think you have to feel too guilty about it. Take it easy.

WiseGuy said...

Hope things get back on track soon! I guess the job will help you in getting things fitted to routine.


ICLWing!

In Due Time said...

(((((((((Hugs))))))))))

I wish I could make it easier for you.

dana said...

My grandmother alway said "one day at a time." But I find that one hour at a time is much better. Small goals, I say.

Keep it simple...

(fwiw, I can sleep forever. I can sleep wherever, whenever. DH is constantly telling me I'm missing life....but sometimes, my dreams are much better than reality. LOL)

Ryan's Mommy said...

Sounds like you are a l m o s t ready to get back in the swing of things. But now your sleep schedule is a tad off. Resetting that internal clock will be hard. When you're ready to go there, don't hesitate to take a benadryl or something if that will help you knock off earlier and get up earlier when you need to. If not for benadryl, I would never sleep at all. Love that stuff.

littleangelkisses said...

I hope that today is a new start for you.
ICLW

Sky said...

My heart goes out to you. I don't know how you get through this other than "one day at a time," as Dana's grandmother would say.

April said...

:( i hate this phase. just make sure you take care of yourself...

**hugs**

K.T. said...

I hope you are taking care of yourself today and having a good day. I am sorry for your sadness. Take care.

wheresmy2lines said...

Im so sorry to read of the loss of your twins, but your commenters are right - dont push yourself too much, you are still in the grieving phase.All the very best.

ICLW

Soralis said...

Take care and do what you need to. I am so sorry for your loss.

ICLW

Barbara said...

Bad days, less than bad days and some days good days. I'm aiming for more than one good day in a row these days.

Wishing you some good sleep and lots of peace.

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