Saturday, January 24, 2009

Mrs. Malcontent

Feeling annoyed at nothing and everything today. And slightly manic. M is in a bad way. Hurting and I can't fix it. No one can. Longing for daughters we had and now don't and never will. So eager to try again; so terrified of failing. All of this on top of mounting worries about work. I don't know if those are even founded, but like me, once M gets something in his head, he'll play it out to the worst case scenario. And then replay that endlessly. What an awful jumble.

I dropped him off at work this afternoon and then found myself wandering the aisles of a local craft store with an arm full of knick knacks and yarn.

What the fuck am I doing here?

I couldn't think of anyplace else to be so I stayed. And, against my better judgment, bought everything in my arms, including a miniature sketch book and a tiny packet of oil pastels. Oil pastels??? Um, yeah, you're as surprised as I am. But for some reason I decided I neeeeeded both items.

Next stop, the wine store, and against my better judgment, I bought everything in my basket. Not that purchasing wine is against my better judgment, but I might have gone overboard. Maybe. But can you ever have too much wine in your home? My answer is emphatically not.

Now I am home, for a minute. I have a few more errands. And I have this nagging thought in my head that it would be very easy (and thoughtful) to stop at some relatives' houses and say hi. To pop in on some friends and do the same. But I don't want to. And I'm bothered at this social obligation that has come from nowhere other than my own head. No one is bugging me. No one has even intimated that I need to pop in on them. So why am I feeling guilty at practicing avoidance? I'm not avoiding anyone if no one is looking for me. Even my usual go-to's - facebook, myspace, twitter, email - all bugging the hell out of me today with their very existence.

I'm overcome with this need to scrub the apartment from top to bottom. Iron some clothes, finish the blanket I'm knitting, vacuum, water the plants. There's a spot on the grout of my bathroom tile that is making me crazy...there's clutter in the living room that seems to be growing...there's Xmas cards, sympathy cards, oh yes, and the live Xmas tree still in my living room. Somehow, I want to clean the whole place yet leave those large pieces still standing. But why? What am I holding on to? That fabulous holiday season? I don't know. I just can't bear to take it down yet.

So many plans for the day and yet I am sitting in the near dark (is the sun setting already?) typing away. Getting none of it done. I'm putting on my coat and leaving for the beer store (because, you see, you can't get beer at the wine store nor can you get wine at the beer store and none of those items are available at your friendly grocery store. Because that would be too easy).

And lordessa knows, nothing seems to be easy today, does it?


Barbara said...


Take a deeeep breath.

I've had days like these when there's so much I want to do and so many things pressing on my mind that nothing gets done. I make lists. Strike things off, do a few things and feel slightly more in control. But only slightly.

I have the creative feeling too. Only jewellery in my case. Try the oil pastels. I think we've lost so much that we have an overwhelming need to create.

But don't forget to breathe!


m said...

Oh my gosh, Barbara, this line just took my breathe away:

"I think we've lost so much that we have an overwhelming need to create."

I think that is it. I will try to pastels. Its the least I can do, right?

Amy said...

What Barbara said makes complete sense. I'm sorry it's been such a crappy day, and I'm thinking of you and M.

michelle said... bought wine and you bought art supplies....I say you had a pretty darn productive I would say light some candles and paint...paint whatever you feel like...lines, circles, something more elaborate. For me it is sometime just stream of consciousness writing - some nights, the nights when I wonder who I really am, I write until my hand hurts.

At least with oil pastels you might end up with something to hang on the wall.

Anonymous said...

Do whatever you need to do: buy things you don't need, clean things that don't need cleaning...just do what feels right.

Lisa DG said...

If you got out of bed and left your house, you are doing better than you know. Just be thankful for the little things, like wine, and remember to be gentle with yourself.

Barbara said...

I think that's it.



Cara said...

Oh My - How I remember those days when searching for balance meant accomplishing something, but each decision made only left me feeling more hollow and less accomplished. The cycle was ugly, however I wasn't smart enough to stock on beer and wine..that would have bene somthing.

thinking of you constantly.

Ryan's Mommy said...

Some days are like that. In fact, I am kinda having that kind of day myself. I need to get off my ass and vacuum, do dishes, laundry, clean up a bit. If I shower, bonus. You have just inspired me to go accomplish something. I think it's the "where do I start" that's got me.

BTW, I'm jealous - I would love to learn to knit. I picked up a book and some needles and yarn the other day, but then put them back, because who am I kidding thinking I could learn from a book. I think I need a human being to teach me how.

Anonymous said...

m - I don't really know what to say. For you to have beat cancer as a child, then battled fertility issues, then lost your twins seems just so blatantly unfair. I mean, infertility itself is blatantly unfair, but . . .I don't really know what I'm saying, I guess. Double, triple unfair in your case. Wine and beer seem not indulgences but necessary at this point.

I'm so sorry.