Sunday, January 4, 2009

Trying to Explain

At least in the beginning, there were concrete images and events tied to the grieving. I would see Iso.bel and Jo.vita in my mind and I would cry. I would remember them in my arms and physically ache. I would hear M. cry and it would pierce me. Absolutely tear at my heart. The loss was tangible. Nothing felt more real. The tears were tied to moments and moments we would never have. It was sharp. It was painful. But there were beginnings and ends.

Now there is just this omnipresent, all-encompassing Sad. Just weighing over me like a cloud. A fog. Sometimes it lifts a little and there is the Nothing. But that sinks into Sad pretty quickly. Nothing happens to trigger it. Even worse, there doesn't feel like there's anything to make it go away.

If someone were to ask me, "what's wrong?" It's not even as simple as, "I miss the girls." There is so much more to it. So many more emotions beyond grieving, even with those damned phases that allegedly exist within it. So much more than just a loss. In fact, if someone asks me, "how are you?" I can be in the process of saying (and meaning) "I'm ok right now" and break into tears, I could be in the midst of saying, "not so good" and change my mind. No sense. There's no sense to it at all.


Did you ever try to paint and get too many colors on your brush? What started as this brilliant swirl of color and contrast to rival van Gogh just overwhelms itself and in the end looks nothing at all like that on the canvas. Too much paint. Too many colors. All swirls together.

And looks shit brown.

No depth, no remnant of the many, many hues in which you dipped your brush. Just this smear. That won't come off. That can't be covered up.

That is what my grief feels like today. Just a dull and ugly shit brown.


Anonymous said...

what a powerful analogy... So if this brown hue is covering you on the first day of work, are you going to give yourself permission to leave early if that is what you want to do? or just do the parts of your job that you like at the momemnt?

I left early a lot the last 6 months. It took my boss sending me home early about6 times before I got the message that I could and needed to.

Thinking of ya. So glad you have lots of support everywhere.

Nadine said...

Oh I'm so sorry for your babies, I know how hard it was to finally get pregnant and I can't imagine what kind of pain you must be feeling.

annacyclopedia said...

You describe this so beautifully and with such tenderness for your own process. The image that comes to me is that you are being tossed around in the ocean in the middle of a hurricane, while the rest of us are bobbing in a pleasant surf. We're all in the midst of something, but where you are right now is incredibly intense and overwhelming.

Even though you've explained it so well, I want you to know that I will be here, abiding with you and keeping you in my prayers with or without an explanation.

Mo said...

Oh m,

I hear you about the all-encompassing sad - your words make it so palpable. And it may feel like a swirl of brown, but your ability to name it and to describe it is amazingly articulate and multifaceted.

Just as the feelings have already shifted from the bright hot acute grief to this all-encompassing sadness, know that the feelings will keep changing.

You just have to keep riding it out, one day at a time. Be gentle with yourself and hang in there.

And keep writing if it helps. You are extraordinarily gifted at it.

We'll be here.


Anonymous said...

Hey there. So I've been reading your blogs, of course, but, slackingly, have not commented much. So here's a big ol' hunk of lovin' from me. :)

When I told my Momma about you and M sending out birth announcements, she was kinda freaked. I guess now it's because she had a miscarriage before she had me, and while they knew it was a boy, it wasn't something she felt should be shared with the world. I'm not sure how far along she was, but definitely not as far as you. So when I went home for Christmas I took the announcement with me to show her the beautiful photo of M with the girls. And she started to cry. Two perfect little teeny tiny baby girls. "No wonder she's so upset. She lost her babies." It took the photo to make it real for her, but then she understood.

I wish you could have my Mom. We have some big crazy fights sometimes, but we love each other. And she's definitely there for you, in prayer and any other way you might need her if you want. (She loves being loaned out to friends!) As am I. *BIGHUGS*

I also admire your courage to stay home. To push yourself a little, but be ok with not being ok with things. I tend to second guess myself a lot and am trying to be more in tune with what I really want, not what I *should* want or what's necessarily expected of me.

And I'm more than a little jealous of your workplace, where I know they love you so much and allow you to take care of you, knowing (unlike so many employers) that it is the best possible thing they can do. =)

Maybe we can do a lunch walk this week? Or perhaps an after work visit? And I think I might need to make you some magic cookie bars.

Loving you,


P.S. When you put your shoes on for work tomorrow, don't forget your clothes! And clean underwear. Just in case. *muah*

Lisa DG said...

We all know exactly what you mean. There is no getting "over" the pain, only going through it. I'm here for you too, whatever, you need.

Dani819 said...

You capture it so perfectly. So often now I catch myself thinking "Hmmm- why am I sad?" You'd think the answer would simply be "because my baby died." But that's not all of it. That's where it starts, but then it goes to so many other places. Shit brown it is. Thanks for expressing this so well.

Hope that work is as palatable as it can be. And if you have to go home, by all means do so. I am awfully liberal with the sick days these days- that's what they're there for.

Skerry said...

Although I have not been in your shoes and can't claim to understand, I do get what you are saying. I can see how you would try to be/feel normal. I do believe that you need to give yourself permission to feel any way you want, for as long as you need it. Be good to yourself and each other. I just really wanted you to know that you and M are still in my thoughts and prayers.