Friday, January 23, 2009


I am in a bit of a quandary.

I have all kinds of things to share. It's been a week of superlatives. First venture out into workdom! Most inappropriate comments by a health care employee! Kindest doctor ever (EVER) encounter! Best book I have read in a long time! Most amazing insurance news ever! Ok, all of this went down. I have notes and scribbles all over my little journal/date book filled with things I need to tell you. Pieces of my life I have to share.

Thing is, I don't really feel like blogging right now. At least not about most of these topics. At least not with the seriousness that some of them deserve. Having just got back into this whole work thing, I'm kind of digging it, and I know if I veer out of Outlook and into Blogger, a good portion of my afternoon could very well be shot. I obviously haven't completely regained my focus and ability to multi-task.

And this is ridiculous but I am so distressed at the thought that folks just coming on to this blog for the first time (ICLW fellows, helloooo!) might get the impression that I am a perpetually "oh woe is me" kind of gal. Or that I wander around all day brooding. Or that I am bathing in my grief each morning and it only occasionally rubs off. And that's just not me. But reading this recent slew of posts, you could very well get that impression.

Once upon a time, I was actually kind of funny. At least, I cracked myself (and sometimes my husband) the hell up. And I have finally reached a point (I think. at least right now. Don't jinx it. Don't jinx it....) where I am feeling ok. Not fabulous. Not fulfilled. But not empty. Not hopeless. Not sad 24/7. I might just be in a good mood today. And I would like to savor those moments when they come.

I'm bored with being angry, so do I really need to spend a whole post on the doctor's office exchange that started with, "So, any chance of you being pregnant? Oh, of course not. You're 34...." (Oh hells yes, it got worse). No. Not right now. A few days out, it's kind of funny, but not funny enough to waste time recounting. Come buy me a beer. Maybe I'll tell you then.

But I do think some time needs spent on some of the other bits of news. So, I'll try to give them their due respect, perhaps later tonight once I'm off the clock. In the meantime, I invite you, take just a minute or two and click on an archived post. Might I recommend a pre-December 2008 vintage? (squeeze the cork, eye the bottle, swish the glass) I would love for you to get to know me. Not just the current state of me.


Mick said...

I've been reading the archives as well as the present posts. You're still as funny and as witty as ever.

I've just started my blog, and I also think that people will just think of me as a moaner :-)

The most important (in my humble opinion) is that you say what/how you feel.

Isn't that what people want to read about anyway?

Michelle said...

You can say whatever you are feeling. Isn't that what a blog is for? But I know what you are saying cause I was just telling DH this same thing...I don't always want to be a downer so I have to find funny things to say. Well I am glad to hear you are feeling a little better. I hope it continues.

m said...

Mick, you're no moaner.

you are both absolutely right. But it's really not so much about bringing readers down - I just don't want to bring MYSELF down. Especially not on days when I'm feeling pretty good.

Anonymous said...

Did you say you need someone to buy you a beer??? I'm your GIRL! :) Saturday and Sunday after 4 are open - lemme know when you're available!

Loving your goodness!


Soralis said...

I am new to your blog and you don't seem like a woe is me kind of gal! I do think that you may have some bad days after what you have been through.

Glad to hear that you are finding some good things to focus on, I am not sure that I would have the strength so soon if I was in your position.

Good luck with your healing.

Skerry said...

I honestly can't remember when I started reading your blog, it was definitely before you got pregnant with your girls. As I have said before my battle with age related secondary infertility is so different than your battle. I am blessed and your blog reminds me of that when I start to feel hopeless. Even though our paths are different you give me hope....hope for my quest to be a Mom one more time...hope for you and M that you will have a take home baby/babies. I don't look at your posts as "pity parties", hell, you like WWE & ECW...hahaha. I just want you know I read because although we don't know each other IRL...I want so badly for you to have the joy of a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. People sometimes ask me why I would want to have another child at this point (my kids are 15 & 11)I try to explain that because my kids are so amazing that I desperately want one more...they are proof that the pain and heartache of trying are worth it. Just as I am sure that the joy of having your girls for even such a short time far outweighs never having them at all. :)

Barbara said...

I wonder sometimes if you all think I'm miserable all the time (I'm not by the way).

There's no answer really, you just blog whatever you want or don't blog and just leave your notes where they are or mix in the happy with the sad or feel the need to explain yourself in a blog about blogging :o}

And you're still funny.


Cara said...

You blog is a continually growing representation of who you were, who you are, and who you are becoming. The great part is that we get that those are three different people, trying to dance as one. The world - eh- they don't.

I'll go back to go forward, but I promise, I never take one post and a "who she is".


Anonymous said...

I found your blog through another blog and I feel compelled to not just lurk, but to tell you how sorry I am that you lost Isobel and Jovita.