Monday, January 5, 2009

Oh man....

Well, I received exactly the email I expected to receive from my mom in response to this one.

In a nutshell: she never said such a thing. She had been misinterpreted; she is the victim here. I have changed so much over the years that she can't talk to me anymore without fear of offending...her pain and how I have inflicted it was mentioned on at least 3 separate occasions, including a mention about the time that I confronted her about information that I had found on my own adoption.

I hurt her feelings.

Never mind that I found out facts I have never known about my life. Never mind that she added additional information in today's email. And then continued on to say she had never hid anything from me. Contradiction, no?

At any rate, I hit reply and put it all out there. Everything. Well, not everything, I didn't tell her to stick her virgin mary up her .....so I didn't put it all out there...everything but that. I won't reprint it here. It's long and tedious and will probably spark quite a, quite a something, but that was my point. Why are you afraid to talk to me? Why do you measure your words when that doesn't help anyway. So we get mad at each other, so what??? So frigging what? Is that the worst thing that could happen? Do you even understand how hurtful you are NOW? Would things really get worse? Do you know how awful your silence was at the hospital? At Xmas eve? Do you know how mean this email is to me right now? Do you have any frigging clue about how I am feeling? No, because you are wrapped up in how I am making you feel.

It can't get worse.

So let's see if it gets better.

**

I AM working today. Minus this 30 minute break here to either mend or sever relations with my mother. But from my recliner. A long, long walk yesterday aggravated an already sore knee and it now seems that I need the assistance of M's dad's walking stick to move. Damn you, exercise.

At any rate, this seems like a transition that makes sense. It feels good to interact with co-workers, but I am also liking the distance. Feels good to get some tasks addressed, but in my own time.

**

Today doesn't feel as shit brown as yesterday, but that could just be because I am still seeing red.

10 comments:

nancy said...

oh man. ~hugs~

You don't need that. Sometimes people just need to let things go (meaning her).

Anonymous said...

OMG...

I wish SOMEONE knew what her deal was! An Aunt/friend/neighbor/someone who know's what's goin' on in her head? Is she afraid that if you knew the whole story you'd think differently of her? Or leave her??? Sheesh. Maybe she's jealous - because you have an opportunity she doesn't? Or mad - because although adoption was "good enough" for her it's not "good enough" for you???

Regardless, it does all come back to her. What IS that about???

Glad you're working, and from your super fab and comfy house. Though I'm sorry your knee is still ouchie.

And hey - no clean undies necessary if you're stayin' home! :)

~m~

noswimmers said...

I just want to say that I'm here, reading...wishing there was something I could do to ease your pain.

((HUGS))

Smiling said...

bloody hell.. so sorry to hear that your mother isn't getting the message. Here's to hoping that things get better soon.

Amy said...

If we, as daughters, would just stop and realize it really IS all about our mothers, everything would be fine. So again, it's really OUR fault.

I'm glad you wrote her and laid it all out there (er, well, most of it). I'll be interested to hear what happens next.

Michelle said...

Good for you for saying what you need to - sometimes the 'explosion' is what's needed to get things back on track - and if it doesn't well...you know you have been as true to yourself as you can be and as honest with her as you have needed to be.

Lisa DG said...

Amen to you note! That must have let a load off.

Kami said...

My mom and your mom still seem to be a lot alike.

I'm sorry.

Fate's Granddaughter said...

The world revolves around my mother as well, so I understand your frustration to an extent.

I know it is painful, but maybe this dialogue is exactly what needs to happen for both of you?

Or maybe I should shut up and call your mom a name or something...

Maria said...

I think we have the same mother... There was a book that I found very helpful called "Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents". It helps knowing there are others out there with similar parent issues. Good luck!

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