Thursday, January 22, 2009

In the Light of the Projector

"The trouble with doing nothing is that I'm never sure when I'm through."

That was the caption on a cartoon on a PowerPoint that was presented at my Board of Directors' Strategic Planning meeting this week. A meeting that I would usually play an integral role in. A meeting that I wasn't really sure that I would even go to. And then I decided, oh what the hell. I had already excused myself from the agenda. I had no responsibilities for the meeting set up or execution. I would just be a participant. Worse case scenario: if I couldn't handle my first work outing outside of my warm, safe office and office mates I would just leave.

So, I got there after a morning marked by a crappy exchange with a crazy lab tech doing my bone density scan (ah, but this will be the topic of another post...) and was greeted with smiles and even a few hugs. I think my Board Chair attempted to hug me. (He's not very good with personal interactions). And a few tears eked out in conversations with some of my favorites but they dried relatively quickly. And there I was. And I didn't melt. And it didn't feel too awkward. So I stayed. For both days.

And here are the things I realized/remembered/am grateful for:
  • I'm not stupid.
  • I didn't completely forget what it was I did or what my job was about (don't laugh. this was a major fear of mine before I went back to work)
  • Sometimes I do know what I'm talking about.
  • I clean up real nice. (and while it was odd to be in my pre-pregnancy suits, it felt good to get dressed, do my hair, make an appearance)
  • My grief can be recognized and I can be seen as not just my grief.
I hope I look back on this list months from now and go, well, yeah, duh. Why the hell did you even write these down? But each and every one of those were little light bulbs that went off at various points today and yesterday.

Lights that I was relieved to see.


Amy said...

Those sound like good, healing light-bulb moments. I'm glad that they could acknowledge your grief...that's so much better than pretending there's nothing wrong.

Anonymous said...

YAY You! Those are HUGE milestones you overcame this week! I'm very proud of you for taking the risk of going, and for proving to yourself that you ROCK! And that you can live, and work and be happy, and that doesn't at all mean you've forgotten about your girls.

Though I know it may not be this way every day or for every conference, I'm glad that you documented this point to reference when you need it.


ezra'smommy said...

Its so good and important you can still recognize what you do well. Its something I've struggle with a lot since losing my little one...the feelings of failure surrounding ezra's death seem to have carried over into everything i do, so i seem to assume i'm bad at everything. i'm pleasantly surprised at the times i realize that isn't true.

lostintranslation said...

I'm happy that it went well and that it gave you back some self-confidence.

annacyclopedia said...

This is so beautiful! For me, it really is the mundane little insights that bring the most healing and peace, and remind me how strong I am. Sounds like you had lots of those moments over the past few days.

Vanessa said...

Im so glad that the meeting went well...Happy ICLW week!

Cara said...

What a powerful post as you re-enter the world.

Thinking of you.