The other evening a friend called and simply asked, "2009 is gonna be better, right?" Her 2008 has been nearly as awful as ours: a job in flux (twice) due to political wrangling outside the office's control, boy issues, medical problems all topped off by searing back pain that has her finally assenting to an epidural for relief. My honest response to her:
It has to be. It simply has to be.
2008 was the year that we finally revealed our baby-making intentions to family and friends. That didn't preclude a BFN from our very first complete donor egg cycle kicking off that new year. You showered me with expletives and bad jokes. Because I asked you to.
In February, I said "no thanks" to an endometrial biopsy (stupid, stupid, stupid) and soldiered on with a frozen embryo cycle in March. Hey, I bet you'll never guess what that result was...More bad jokes were shared. I also celebrated 20 years cancer free. Don't bother clicking on the link to the FN post in that post - it's all gone. Grrr...
In April, I turned 34, wizened up and said, "oh yeah, hey, maybe an endometrial biopsy isn't such a bad idea," took bets on what we were going to find, and continued to have incredibly bizarre dreams.
Fast forward to June: biopsy was clean but we found a polyp and the fact that my uterus wasn't as "in phase" as it should be. The polyp was removed, meds were realigned and we were off to the races, all feeling incredibly optimistic.
In July, we transferred two gorgeous 12- and 14- cell embryos with our 2nd FET, and saw Fertility Notes "retired."
In August, we saw crazy beta numbers grow and grow and grow until I finally spit out the "P" word. And the next few months were the happiest of my life. No question. Sure, we were apprehensive, oftentimes not really sure that all of this was happening or if it was some sort of joke. Could it all be real? Our 19 week scan gave us both peace of mind. Let us relax with the idea that yes, we were really going to be parents. To two girls, no less. I wrote this post just a week before the day that everything changed.
And it seems that I've been writing ever since.
December 5, 2008 is the day that our lives changed. The day that we saw Iso.bel and Jo.vita for the first and last times. Since then, we have been grieving, crying, but also laughing, hoping, trying to maintain. Some days are good. Others, not so much.
We have made a lot of decisions over the last few weeks. We will be having a memorial (or two) for our girls. We are going in search of my birth parents. I have decided that I need to run. We are going to try to conceive again.
2009 is going to be better, right?
It has to be.
2009 is waiting for us all - fresh and new! I wish you and your family all the best as you discover what adventures are in store for you and hope that the year is filled with healing and love.
I definitely vote for a better year in 2009. Here's hoping it brings more good than bad.
Yes. It has to be. It just has to.
It HAS to be...you're right.
It has to be. There's no other way to put it.
And I'm still irritated with B5 for taking away FN (or FN as it SHOULD be).
Wishing you all the best in 2009. It's going to be a good year, it has to be.
It has to be, absolutely. Wishing you nothing but joy and peace in 2009. For all of us, really.
Heres to 2009 and HOPE! I will be cheering you on as you and M take on some adventures this year.
It has to be. It just has to be.
Re the running, if you listen to music while you run and you want extra incentive, buy a Nike+. We can email about it if you're unsure - I'm a total diehard fan of the tool cuz it helps inspire me, and keep me real on what I'm really running and doing. Good luck!
I am so, so sorry for your terrible loss. We too had an awful 2008 (two miscarriages for us and a cancer battle for my mother), but absolutely nothing compares to the terrible end to your year. Here's to a better 2009.
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