My New Ohm

Having a day far more calming than yesterday. Here are just a few of the plusses that seem to have collected:

• coupons for items we actually use in the Sunday paper + an amazing set of bogos (buy one, get one) offers at a local grocery store = "you saved $50 on this bill." I love it when an economic downturn works in my favor.
  
• I think I actually slept through the night last night. the whole night! I woke up in the position that I fell asleep in and I was shocked. Yes, of course, yesterday's purchases helped immensely.
  
• empty pool at the Y + cool new goggles + radio turned up loud enough to actually hear = one whole hour full of super strengthening and good for me laps. It's not running, but it's not painful either.
  
• empty sauna at the Y + me actually showering and stripping down before entering (I'm usually lazy and just crawl in chlorinated swimsuit and all) = far nicer sauna experience than usual. So nice, I came up with a new mantra for myself.
  

You see, back before I was pregnant with the twins, I would try to incorporate mindful breathing and a quick mantra (I am happy. I am healthy. I am fertile) into as many activities as possible. Especially swimming at the Y or kayaking out in the river. I tried it on for size the other day when I was swimming and it just didn't fit. It all rang false. I may have even got water down my throat as I was contemplating how poorly that mantra was working for me. I am not happy right now. I am feeling neither healthy nor fertile. Sigh. Time for a new mantra.

And I figured it out today. Don't laugh. You're going to think I'm corny and new agey. But honest, I'm not. (and I chuckle at this, because a pretty constant rule of thumb for me in life is, "if you gotta tell me, I don't believe you.") And here I sit, telling you what I am and am not. But seriously, here's my new mantra:

I am grieving.
I am loving.
I am healing.

Because it felt ridiculous not to recognize the obvious. Unfair not to state it. But the second line, thankfully, goes hand in hand with the first and third, acting as a kind of bridge. It felt presumptive to say I was healthy and happy. I am not there. Healing is the best I can do right now. But that in itself is a serious task. One that can't be taken lightly. So it gets its own line too. So there you have it. This is my new Ohm. I tried it out a lot this afternoon. It felt good. It felt true. It felt right.